Tom Purcell

Kimmel gets it backward on blue-collar America
Jimmy Kimmel is a fool. Last week, Kimmel mocked DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin for beginning his career as a plumber, rather than being, say, a lawyer, like most of the double-talking charlatans holding political posts. Kimmel’s logic is backward..
What Trump might have done to the Tidal Basin beaver vandals
Note to editors: A version of this column was last distributed by Cagle in 2025. I can only imagine how President Trump would have handled three mischievous beavers that attacked Washington, D.C.’s beloved cherry trees in 1999. The National Cherry ..
Gen Z and the case for fixer uppers
Generation Z should consider buying a fixer upper. Houses are expensive these days and mortgage rates are high. It’s no wonder that only 27% of Zoomers, 28 or younger, own homes, whereas nearly 45% of baby boomers did at the same age. Zoomers shou..
Red pens did me good
My second-grade teacher, Sister Mary, would be shocked that I turned out to be a writer. Please allow me to explain. In recent years, many schools within the United States, the United Kingdom and Australia have barred teachers from marking student p..
The day Ronald Reagan walked into an Irish pub
Note to editors: A version of this column was last distributed by Cagle in 2017. On St. Patrick’s Day, 1988, an unexpected visitor arrived at Pat Troy’s Irish pub, Ireland’s Own, in Alexandria, Va. — President Ronald Reagan. The pub, now clo..
Reviving America’s dying sense of humor
Ah, St. Patrick's Day is upon us — a fine time to restore our sense of humor. More than 20 years ago, British sociologist Christie Davies wrote in “The Mirth of Nations” that Americans were becoming as nervous about swapping jokes as people on..
Accelerating the fentanyl fight
A few years ago, I hired a young man who lived nearby to chainsaw some trees on my property. He used the money I paid him to buy drugs — and died from a bad batch of fentanyl-laced heroin. Statistics will tell you he was one of the tens of thousan..
Murses, metrosexuals and the self-obsessed modern male
Forbes says the “man purse” — or “murse” — is no longer just a trend, but a luxury must-have. Featured heavily during Paris Men’s Fashion Week, designers presented murse styles from tiny satchels to purses larger than the one my mother..
Why the Olympics tanked in China but thrive in Italy
No wonder the ratings for the Winter Olympics are so much better than they were four years ago. Four years ago, the Winter Olympics were held in China. The Beijing Games were designed to showcase the glory of the communist state. Athletes were under..
Older generations teach the lost art of romance
Note to Editors: A prior version of this column was distributed in 2024. All my father ever wanted as a young man was to marry my mother and start a family — plans that were interrupted when he was drafted into the Army during the Korean conflict...
Girl Scout cookies vs. the inverted food pyramid
Girl Scout cookies are back, and the new inverted food pyramid gives me permission to eat them — sort of. I’m addicted to Girl Scout cookies, you see. I measure Thin Mints servings by the sleeve, not the cookie. I gobble down Tagalongs the way g..
When Groundhog Day becomes controversial
Groundhog Day levity has arrived just in time — but not everyone thinks so. Every Feb. 2, Phil the Groundhog emerges from his burrow at Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pa. If he sees his shadow, winter will last six more weeks; if not, spring is..

Full Archive

Find Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and funny videos of his dog, Thurber, at TomPurcell.com. Email him at [email protected].