Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s only been a few days since you dropped me off, but you better come get me.

I’m writing to you with a pencil I swiped from the office, because the camp director confiscated my iPhone for watching funny dog videos during her “Camp Inclusion and Behavioral Expectations” speech.

By the way, what is “unsanctioned screen time aggression”?

Well, after she took my phone, she made me tell everyone my pronouns. When I said I prefer “they,” she asked me why.

I said that by choosing a plural pronoun, I’d have a better shot at getting extra servings of dessert!

Well, that was a surefire way to get my dessert privileges terminated. By the way, she wants to know if Daddy is a Republican.

By then, I was feeling homesick. I found a piece of wood and began carving it with the Swiss Army knife Grandpa gave me — I was carving a flute just the way he showed me.

Well, one of the counselors yelled at me to “freeze.”

He confiscated my knife, then marched me off to the camp director. She said who did I think I was bringing a lethal weapon, a symbol of pain and death, into her camp?

The next day, Billy Johnson and I got bored, so we went into the woods to play army. We turned a couple of branches into guns and made bullet noises as we fought the bad guys.

Sure enough, we were marched off to the director. She said the reason there’s so much war in the world is because boys like us are taught to “celebrate” it from an early age.

At that point, I figured I better keep my head down. But I got into trouble at lunch. Just as I was thanking God for my blessings — just as I whispered “Grace” to myself — I was carted off to the director again.

She wanted to know who I thought I was to impose my religious beliefs on others. She said my actions showed how “ignorant” and “insensitive” Americans are to other cultures.

Believe it or not, things got even worse from there. The next day we were weaving baskets. I was sitting next to Mary Allison, the prettiest girl I ever saw.

“Mary,” I said, “you’re so pretty you make me smile from ear to ear.”

Sure enough, that got me another trip to the director’s office. The director said I really crossed the line this time. She said my behavior was not only “boorish,” but against the law.

By the way, who is Harvey Weinstein?

I was really uptight by that point. But I was able to forget about it the next day when we played kickball. I kicked the ball really far and I got a grand slam. I was so happy, I said, “We win! We win!”

This time the director said I hurt the “self-esteem” of the players on the other team — that there’s no place in the world anymore for reckless, aggressive boys like me.

By the way, what is Ritalin?

Anyhow, you better come get me. We’re going to go on a hike in the woods this afternoon, and I already picked some flowers to give to Mary Allison.

Your son,

Tommy

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Copyright 2025 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

See Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and funny videos featuring his dog, Thurber, at TomPurcell.com. Email him at [email protected].