I attended a meeting with the Deputy Director of Gobbledygook — and his interpreter — to learn why government rules, regulations and guidance documents are so hard to read and understand.

“When President Obama signed the Plain Writing Act of 2010,” I said, “federal agencies were required to use ‘clear government communication that the public can understand and use.’ Why are we still drowning in incomprehensible language?”

“Your query presents a multifaceted conundrum,” said the bureaucrat, “that highlights the broader paradox of procedural continuity.”

“Huh?” I said to his interpreter.

“He said bureaucrats love confusion,” said the interpreter.

“But this is causing big problems,” I said. “A 2024 Regulatory Review study found that IRS tax code complexity is causing millions of errors on returns. And Medicare brochures are so convoluted that seniors are spending billions on consultants just to figure out which plan won’t bankrupt them.”

“Though we comprehend and find favor with those considerations, we nonetheless recognize the inevitable dilemma that a lack of transparency creates,” said the bureaucrat.

“Huh?” I said.

“He said confusion protects jobs,” said the interpreter. “Lawyers, accountants and consultants all make a fortune translating gibberish.”

“President Trump just signed an executive order making English the official language of the United States,” I said. “Won’t that help some?”

“Prospective unilingual mandates may streamline duplicative dissemination, though substantive clarity remains unattainable,” said the bureaucrat.

“He said producing communications in English, rather than six languages, will help some, but the English is still so incomprehensible it won’t matter,” said the interpreter.

“Well, surely artificial intelligence can help us understand the gobbledygook,” I said. “AI can pass the bar exam, read X-rays and even map the human genome. Surely, it can translate your regulations into plain English.”

“Neural computational modalities encounter systemic insufficiencies when tasked with deconstructing bureaucratese within the broader paradox of administrative perpetuity,” said the bureaucrat.

“Huh?” I said.

“He said AI may be able to do brain surgery and decode DNA, but even it is no match for government gobbledygook,” said the interpreter.

“Unbelievable,” I said. “If citizens can’t understand what their government is writing — let alone what agencies are spending our money on — they can’t question it. Maybe THAT is the whole point?”

“Such communicative obfuscations, while ostensibly regrettable, nonetheless function as an indispensable safeguard of administrative continuity,” said the bureaucrat.

“Huh?” I said.

“He said, ‘BINGO,’” said the interpreter.

“So if the Plain Writing Act of 2010 didn’t fix this problem, how can we fix it?” I said.

“Prospective remedies could be cautiously calibrated to reduce destabilizing redundancies,” said the bureaucrat.
“Huh?” I said.

“He said Congress must put teeth into the law,” said the interpreter. “He said every regulation and form should be tested and approved by ordinary citizens. He said government leaders must demand consequences if communications are not written clearly.”

“That sounds good to me,” I said. “So why aren’t we doing this?”

“Pursuant to intersecting redundancies, notwithstanding comprehension deficits, our procedural continuities will likely persist in perpetuity,” said the Deputy Director of Gobbledygook.

“Huh?” I said.

“Well,” said the interpreter, “he said that incomprehensible language may be bad for our republic, but it’s great for his $210,000 salary — and he’ll do everything he can to keep the gravy train rolling!”

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Copyright 2025 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

See Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and funny videos featuring his dog, Thurber, at TomPurcell.com. Email him at [email protected].