Cagle World

Springtime has arrived in Washington, D.C.

The National Cherry Blossom festival is underway. Some 3,700 cherry trees, given to America by the Japanese in 1912, will soon be in full bloom.

I lived in the D.C. area nearly eight years and always looked forward to this time of year.

Family and friends would visit to see the magnificent trees. With luck the weather would be sunny and warm. We’d laugh and frolic and forget our worries for a little while.

That’s never easy to do in Washington, the land of silly and never-ending political conflict and disagreement.

I still remember an incident that took place in the spring of 1999, when some culprits were caught chopping down cherry trees.

It took a while, but the National Park Service was able to identify the tree-fellers – three beavers, who had decided to construct a dam in the Tidal Basin.

If those beavers were to strike today, those on the political right would blame Antifa and those on the left would blame Trump supporters – and talking heads on cable news channels would point fingers endlessly until the beavers were identified.

The reaction wasn’t much better in 1999.

In a normal city, the beaver situation would have been dealt with swiftly. The beavers would have been quietly trapped in a humane manner, transported to another location and released.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), not well-known for common sense solutions, suggested exactly that.

But no sooner was PETA’s idea floated than beaver experts began crawling out of the woodwork. One said it would be tragic to separate the three beavers, since they were likely from the same family.

Another said you can’t move beavers to a new colony because the new colony would reject the newcomers.

A third expert said that, all things considered, the most humane solution would be to euthanize the beavers.

Boy, did the public react negatively to that suggestion.

That’s because beavers are so cute. Their cuddly television presence clouded the public’s ability to address the problem rationally.

The fact is that if beavers looked more like their pointy-nosed cousins, rats, everyone would have instantly united to protect the district’s beloved cherry trees from the dirty varmints.

Well, the hullabaloo went on for some time before the Park Service finally hired a professional trapper who caught the beavers and carted them off somewhere.

Which brings us, sadly, to 2021.

No outlaw beavers are chewing down cherry trees this Spring, but there are many more serious troubles disturbing the peace and beauty of our nation’s capital.

Partisan conflict and arguing are in full bloom in Congress, but there’s little hope our beloved public servants are going to come up with genuine solutions for the current border crisis or for long-term challenges like our ballooning national debt or healthcare.

Ditto for them permanently fixing big things like our infrastructure or solving any of a dozen other deeply divisive hot issues like policing or voting rights or energy policy.

Democrats and Republicans, now virtually split 50-50 in the House and Senate, have shown for decades they are incapable of fixing the tough problems they often created in the first place.

About the only thing both parties seem to agree on is spending government money they really don’t have on many programs we do not need.

It’s almost as if they think money grows on cherry trees.

–

Copyright 2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

When I grew up in the 1970s, my father taught my sisters and me to “always save for a rainy day.”

He was a child of the Depression, after all, one of the longest “rainy day” periods Americans have ever experienced.

In 2021, however, America’s new national mantra appears to be “borrow and spend like the Sun will always shine!”

Our federal government has certainly been following that approach.

Sure, because the COVID-19 pandemic and the lockdowns crushed the economy and raised enormous social costs, almost everyone agreed that emergency spending measures were necessary.

But the federal government was already headed for a $2.3 trillion shortfall in 2021 – and that was before President Joe Biden’s $1.9 trillion coronavirus relief bill and massive pork sandwich was passed.

The truth is, pandemic or no pandemic, both Republicans and Democrats are addicted to debt.

Since 1970 federal spending, deficits and debt – now $28 trillion and growing – have been exploding.

President Clinton managed to balance the federal budget. In fact, he delivered a surplus in his last four budgets – the only surpluses in the last half century.

But President Trump increased our national debt nearly $7 trillion in four years – in part due to the COVID crisis.

President Obama increased our debt more than $8 trillion – in part due to the financial crisis he inherited.

President Bush II increased our debt more than $6 trillion – in part due to the tech-stock crisis he inherited.

The slogan “never let a good crisis go to waste” is a popular one in Washington, D.C.

But our addiction to debt is not limited to government. Americans have been “spending like drunken sailors” for a long time.

According to the personal finance website The Balance, consumer debt hit a record of over $4.2 trillion in February 2020.

Consumer debt is made up of two kinds of debt: revolving, which is mostly credit card debt, and non-revolving, such car loans or college loans.

Revolving debt hit an all-time high in February 2020, just before pandemic struck, but it actually fell in 2020.

Thanks to the COVID-19 lockdowns that shut down so much of the economy, Americans slashed their spending in 2020 and used their credit cards less.

The bad news, reports the Balance, is that non-revolving debt – auto loans and college debt – have increased

Why?

Because more Americans are taking advantage of historically low interest rates to buy new SUVs and Teslas.

And because millions of young people have borrowed hundreds of billions of dollars to cover ever-increasing college tuition costs, which the government says have jumped a mere 1,417 percent from where they were in 1977, Americans now owe more than $1.7 trillion in student loan debt.

The sensible solution to college debt, then, is to get to the root cause of those massive increases in tuition costs, right?

Nope! The government’s solution is to borrow even more money to relieve the college debt individuals willingly took on.

Some super-progressive Democrat senators are even urging President Biden to pay off or forgive up to $50,000 of a student’s college tuition debt.

How our borrowing addiction can end well is anyone guess. We are clearly setting up ourselves – and our kids – for a very unpleasant outcome.

All I know for sure is the mantra of 2021 is widespread and it is this: “Never save for a rainy day!”

–

Copyright 2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

It was on St. Patrick’s Day 1988 when an unexpected visitor arrived at Pat Troy’s Irish pub in Alexandria, Va – President Ronald Reagan.

Though the pub is now closed, it had been a favorite watering hole for Washington insiders for more than 30 years. Some of Reagan’s advance men had been regulars. They secretly arranged the president’s visit.

His visit was videotaped by White House staffers and released 10 years after Reagan left office. I watched that video and got to see a snapshot of pure, unscripted Ronald Reagan.

Just before noon that day, the pub was half-packed when Reagan and his entourage arrived. As news got around, the pub quickly filled to capacity. While Reagan enjoyed a pint of Harp and some corned beef and cabbage, Pat Troy was so busy tending to patrons, he didn’t have time to react to his famous patron.

“He had an energy about him that put you instantly at ease,” Troy told me in 1999. “He made it easy to carry on as though he was just another patron, so that is what I did.”

In the video, Troy took the stage and led the audience in “The Wild Rover.” He directed sections of the audience to compete with each other to see which could sing and clap the loudest.

“You have to clap louder, Mr. President,” he said to Reagan, prompting the president, not used to being given orders, to laugh.

Troy next led the audience in “The Unicorn Song.” While Troy sang the words, the audience mimicked the animals referenced in the song:

“There were green alligators and long-necked geese, some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born, the loveliest of all was the unicorn.”

Reagan turned to watch a group of young women act out the song. His face showed curiosity and delight – he’d never seen this song performed before.

But that was how he was: At the same time he was the world’s most powerful man, the man who felled communism and restored American optimism, he was a man of youthful innocence who found immense pleasure in the simplest things.

When Troy finished, he handed the president the microphone. The normally raucous crowd became extraordinarily quiet.

Reagan spoke off the top of his head. He graciously thanked Troy for having him for lunch. He said it was a great surprise. He talked about his father, an Irishman.

“When I was a little boy, my father proudly told me that the Irish built the jails in this country,” he said, pausing expertly. “Then they proceeded to fill them.”

The crowd laughed heartily.

“You have to understand that for a man in my position, I’m a little leery about ethnic jokes,” he said. The crowd roared. “The only ones I can tell are Irish.”

He talked about a recent trip to Ireland. He visited Castle Rock, the place where St. Patrick erected the first cross in Ireland.

“A young Irish guide took me to the cemetery and showed me an ancient tombstone there,” he said. “The inscription read: ‘Remember me as you pass by, for as are you so once was I, and as I am you too will be, so be content to follow me.”

As Reagan paused, the crowd eagerly awaited his follow up.

“Then I looked below the inscription, where someone scratched in these words: ‘To follow you I am content, I wish I knew which way you went.'”

The crowd roared loud and long, causing the president to deadpan to his advance men: “Why didn’t I find this place seven years ago?”

Reagen’s pub visit showed how eloquently the man was able to engage any audience, Republican or Democrat, just by being his genuine self.

Agree or disagree with his politics, he was able to work civilly and productively with political opponents to get things done for the benefit of all Americans.

We could surely benefit by embracing Reagen’s spirit this St. Patrick’s Day.

–

Copyright 2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

Is the world finally coming to grips with the wrongs I endured as a child growing up in the 1970s?

I came of age before 24-hour cable news channels sensationalized childhood abductions and made every parent in America terrified that their kid was likely to become the next victim.

We ‘70s kids were in constant physical danger – real danger.

We built wood ramps that we jumped our Spyder bikes off of – without any thought of a helmet or elbow pads.

We roamed freely anywhere we wanted all day long and had to navigate the outside world without a single adult chaperoning our every move.

Somehow, I survived growing up without losing a single arm or leg. But now, more than 40 years later, I’m wondering if my young psyche was permanently traumatized by television cartoons.

Every Sunday morning, we religiously watched Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester, Tweety, Yosemite Sam and many more.

There was no shortage of life-and-death conflict and psychological tension in those Looney Toons.

Sylvester the cat was always scheming to eat Tweety Bird, but the clever little bird foiled him every time.

Wile E. Coyote was obsessed with catching and eating the Roadrunner, but the Roadrunner was always several steps ahead of his diabolical plans.

Elmer Fudd was out to shoot Bugs Bunny, but Bugs made a fool out of him every time.

Sure, the storylines always showed our heroes outwitting their supremely confident, though dull-witted, villains.

Sure, the stories were popular and very funny, in part, because the “mastermind” villains always became the victims of their own dastardly plots.

But what about the nonstop violence? Anvils were dropped on heads. Guns and cannons exploded in many episodes. Dynamite was commonly used.

Surely, this cruel cartoon mayhem caused me trauma that I internalized.

Then there was Pepe Le Pew, a character born in 1945 who thinks himself as irresistible to the opposite sex and who imposes his affections on his unwilling victims at every turn.

Despite the obvious takeaway that Pepe’s aggressive behavior stinks – he is a skunk, after all – and that he is a buffoon to be ridiculed, some now argue that he is a dated character who should be canceled from the airwaves for good.

But that kind of thinking is another example of the dangerous slippery slope the cancel culture is on.

A lot our popular culture is outdated, politically incorrect or morally questionable when viewed through today’s uber-sensitive lens.

For example, “Huckleberry Finn” exposes the wrongness of racism in a powerful way, yet Mark Twain uses terms that are harsh and hurtful by modern standards. Do we cancel “Huck”?

The larger question is, do we simply erase our past as though it never happened because viewpoints in books are now widely considered offensive?

Or do we take a more nuanced approach and leave our icons and great stories as they are and use them as opportunities to explain who we were and how and why an evolution in our thinking has occurred?

Despite the traumatic 1970s childhood I somehow survived, I favor the nuanced approach.

Still, I refuse to visit the Grand Canyon for fear that an anvil may fall on my head.

–

Copyright 2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

Get this: A study by McGill University has found that more money does not necessarily make people in low-income countries happier.

I like more money as much as the next guy, but that does not surprise me.

People in developing countries like Bangladesh may not have high incomes and own lots of nice material things, but they do have an abundance of two key sources of happiness: More contact with family and nature.

McGill’s study backs me up.

Sara Minarro, the lead author, says in Futurity.org that the people interviewed reported that what was responsible for making them happy was the greater proportion of time they spent with their families and in contact with nature (many of the people interviewed were fisherman).

As Chris Barrington-Leigh, a professor in McGill’s Bieler School of the Environment, explained, “When people are comfortable, safe, and free to enjoy life within a strong community, they are happy – regardless of whether or not they are making any money.”

A number of recent studies have come to a very similar conclusion.

A 2017 study by the University of British Columbia found that spending money to buy free time, such as paying others to cook or clean for you, does improve happiness, leave you feeling less stressed and generally more satisfied with life.

Beyond that, however, money does not necessarily make us happier.

According to Time magazine, Dan Gilbert, a Harvard University psychology professor and the author of “Stumbling on Happiness,” believes that having money has some obvious benefits but also limitations.

“Once you get basic human needs met,” Gilbert says, “a lot more money doesn’t make a lot more happiness.”

Research shows, reports Time, that “going from earning less than $20,000 a year to making more than $50,000 makes you twice as likely to be happy, yet the payoff for then surpassing $90,000 is slight.”

In other words, once you have enough money to pay your bills and enjoy going out to dinner now and then, additional increases in wealth do not necessarily correspond with greater happiness – or, as one of the academic studies called it, “greater life satisfaction.”

I remember talking with elderly family members, no longer with us, at a family gathering a few years ago.

They told me stories about growing up in Pittsburgh during the Great Depression. They had no money at all – but had no idea they were poor.

Their neighborhood was rich with humanity – kindly old characters, people watching out for them and lots of friends to play with.

They said it took forever to walk to the store and back because so many people stopped them to say hello.

They told me they felt sorry for kids today who have so much material wealth but will never know the deep connections they had with so many neighbors and friends when they were growing up.

But we know all this.

We all know that the happiest moments in our own lives involve friends and family.

These are the people who affect the deeper part of our nature, our spirits and souls, where true happiness resides.

These are the people who can make us laugh so hard our guts hurt – or who are there to help us when we’re down and out and in need of advice or just someone to talk to.

Yet too many of us today spend most of our waking hours not nurturing our friends and families but chasing success and money and a bigger house.

Sadly, we don’t experience the “life satisfaction” that people in some of the poorest countries on Earth enjoy every day – as the true happiness that is right under our noses eludes us.

–

Copyright 2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

Coffee. I need coffee. And sleep. And food.

I picked up my Lab puppy, Thurber, four days ago. I have spent every waking moment since happily tending to the little guy’s considerable needs.

Before I got him, I was cocksure I’d mastered the proper training techniques to bend my little guy’s will to mine.

“No dog of mine is going Number One in my house,” I boasted to anyone who would listen.

“No dog of mine is going to lack discipline,” I protested.

“No dog of mine will sit on my furniture!” I said, arrogantly.

How are things working out?

I have my carpet cleaner on speed dial. Discipline is overrated as it intrudes on fun. And right now my bundle of joy is sitting on my beloved leather recliner, staring at me with black, doughy eyes that make me feel like a pat of butter in a frying skillet.

It’s obvious the training strategy isn’t going well – though he’s teaching me as fast as he can.

His endless cuteness, hilarity and affection are melting my heart and making me laugh out loud all day long.

He never stops reminding me that the world is a place of wonder – that there’s lots to experience if you keep your eyes as wide open as his.

He’s just experienced snow and he can’t dance in enough of it.

He plays with a chunk of frozen dirt with more intensity that he does a store-bought toy.

I’ve fallen hard for my little guy. He’s changed me in ways I didn’t anticipate.

I’m so focused on his health and happiness, I’ve barely thought about my own.

I’ve spent so little time on the internet and social media, I barely know what’s going on in the world.

Being offline has actually improved my life. I’ve wasted no time engaging in fruitless debates with strangers about politics.

And because I’ve stopped watching cable news, I’ve been spared the divisive spin and opinions that never stop coming out of Washington, D.C.

For the sake of America, I wish everyone would invite a puppy into his or her family. Reason magazine can help explain why.

According to Reason, politics is seeping into every aspect of our daily life and ruining everything.

“Americans are choosing jobs, brands and friends for partisan reasons,” the libertarian magazine reports.

This is because Americans are becoming way too serious – way too lost in the narrowness of their limited, subjective, partisan points of view.

“Agree with my opinion on all cultural and political matters, or I won’t be your friend,” think many.

“I’ll report you to the HR department and get you in trouble for offending my sensitivity,” think others.

“I’ll boycott your product or service unless you think like I do!” more people are thinking.

That’s because, tragically, we live an era of opinion, not reason and fact.

To everyone’s detriment, especially our own, we impose our will and our political values on others and shun those who refuse to submit.

We have it backwards.

An open heart and open eyes are what we need.

Laughter and affection, not stridency and anger, are what will bring us together and help us realize we have more in common than we think.

Just become the parent of an eight-week-old puppy – just be inspired by his wonderful view of the world – and we’ll all be better off.

–

Copyright 2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

It’s February. It’s cold. To fend off the winter blahs, I dream of one day retiring to a warm beach, where I’ll stand in the surf, sipping beverages from glasses with little umbrellas in them.

I spend hours using the Social Security Benefits Calculator to determine how much Social Security will pay me, after I’ve paid in many thousands of dollars throughout my working life.

And I wonder if my full Social Security benefits will be there when I retire, so I can afford to escape cold, gloomy winters.

It’s a realistic question. In 1950, there were about 16 workers paying into Social Security for every person drawing benefits. Today, there are roughly two.

According to Kiplinger, “starting in 2021 the program’s annual costs will exceed its income from employee and employer payroll taxes and interest earnings. Once the program turns that corner, Social Security will begin drawing down assets in its trust funds to continue providing full benefits.”

If nothing is done, the trust fund will run dry by 2034 and will only be able to pay 76% of its promised benefits.

Worse, that would also take a heavy toll on elderly Americans who struggle to get by with Social Security as their primary income.

The Biden administration has a plan to prevent cuts and increase benefits for elderly Americans most in need – but wealthy Americans aren’t going to like it much.

Currently, workers pay a 6.2% Social Security payroll contribution on wages up to $142,800; their employers pay an additional 6.2%. If you’re self-employed, like me, you pay the whole 12.4% – which we former English majors refer to as “a lot!”

Social Security was considered an insurance program when it was created in 1936. Under its original classification, payroll contributions weren’t really “income taxes” at all, but “insurance payments” made throughout our working lives so we can get monthly retirement benefits until we die.

But some policymakers don’t see the program that way. They see it as too heavily funded by the middle class and not funded enough by the well-to-do.

Consider: A self-employed person who earns $142,800 a year pays the exact same amount of Social Security taxes – $17,707.20 – as someone who earns, say, $10 million a year.

The Biden administration hopes to change that, by keeping the cap at $142,800, but having the 12.4% payroll tax kick back in on incomes of $400,000 and up.

In that scenario, a self-employed person earning $10 million would be taxed 12.4% on the first $142,800, nothing on income beyond that up to $400,000, then an additional 12.4% on the rest of his income.

If my calculations are correct, his Social Security contributions would jump from $17,707.20 to more than $1.2 million – what we former English majors call “a heckuva lot.”

Forbes reports the change would affect about 800,000 buzzing-mad high earners.

I don’t know how such a large tax change would affect markets, investing, the economy and ultimately me. Frankly, government math makes my head hurt.

I just hope to goodness our policymakers, as divided as the rest of the country, will find a way to collaborate to bring a meaningful solution to the Social Security challenge, so that I may one day enjoy my retirement on a warm beach, sipping beverages from glasses with little umbrellas in them.

–

©2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

I love winter. I love snow. I love making a roaring fire in my fireplace on a chilly day. But I hate one thing about this time of year: taxes.

February is rough for the self-employed. It’s rough because my 1099 forms – official records of how much my clients paid me last year – arrive in the mail.

As the 1099s roll in, I hope and pray I made less than I know I did – because my tax “contributions” are always way more than I thought they would be.

I’d like to meet the genius who used ”contribution” in place of “mandatory tax liability.” He’s probably the same guy who calls our nearly $28 trillion national debt an “investment.”

As a former English major, I’ve never been fond of math and accounting. But from February through April 15, tax day, I have to do my best at both.

That’s because our income tax system is complex. It’s complex because drunk people (members of Congress) designed it so that a bureaucracy (the IRS) converts the incomprehensible (tax law) into the unfathomable (complex tax regulations) to punish productive Americans (the self-employed), all in the name of good fun.

I hire a certified public accountant to calculate my tax contributions. But my CPA makes me sort and tally all of my expenses first.

From Jan. 1 through Dec. 31, I toss every bill, receipt, expense, etc., into a large cardboard box – because these little slips of paper, which are deductions against my tax burden, are like currency to me.

Beginning in February, I spend hours sorting through last year’s slips with one goal in mind: to get my earnings from the prior year as low as legally possible, so my income tax bill doesn’t give me a heart attack, which I cannot afford anymore because my “self-employed health insurance policy” has a deductible that’s soared higher than the value of my 2020 Toyota Tacoma!

About this time every year, I curse Republicans, who have talked about simplifying the tax system throughout my adult life.

“Vote us into power and the tax code is the first thing we’re going to fix!” they always promise.

“You’ll be able to complete your tax return on the back of a postcard!” they say with a wink.

“We’re going to make filing so easy we’ll put tax lawyers in the unemployment line!” they say, laughing.

And I laugh and laugh.

Because when they’re voted into power, Republicans do little to nothing to simplify the ever-more-complicated tax code that causes the self-employed to worry about heart attacks, which I can afford even less because my 2021 premium jumped again and I had to switch to an even higher-deductible plan.

Now the Democrats control the White House, the House and the Senate. They promise to tax only the rich and leave the rest of us alone.

And I laugh and laugh – as I brace for new tax complexities that will cause me even more grief.

I’d love to go skiing on gorgeous snow-covered hills and forget about the tax agitations that are already dragging me down.

But I’m afraid to spend the money to go skiing – because, like every year, my tax bill is going to be way higher than I thought it would be.

Gosh, I hate this time of the year.

–

Copyright 2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

Eleanor Holmes Norton, a Democrat and D.C.’s delegate in the U.S. House, is on to something big!

A longtime champion of, and leader on, civil rights and free speech issues, she has a clear mastery of common sense.

You see, the west side of the U.S. Capitol grounds has long been the place for sledding when the occasional snowstorm hits Washington – one of D.C.’s few hills steep enough to give riders a thrill.

Is there a better sight reflecting our great country’s freedom than children and others flocking to Congress’ backyard to ride sleds, build snowmen and throw snowballs?

Well, the Capitol Police said “bah humbug” to all that in 2001.

Worried about sledding accidents – and surely worried about lawsuits in the world’s most litigious city – they banned west-side sledding 20 years ago.

The ban was still in effect in early March 2015, but kids got away with defying it one snowy day back then, according to The Hill, which noted that Norton thanked Capitol Police for not enforcing their no-fun rule.

Later in 2015, Norton successfully added language into a federal spending bill that once again permitted winter fun on the Capitol grounds.

But last week, Capitol Police banned west-side sledding again.

“Unfortunately, due to the current security posture, COVID-19 restrictions, and the deconstruction of the Inaugural platform, we cannot permit sledding on the Capitol Complex at this time,” Eva Malecki, Capitol Police communications director, told NBC’s local Washington TV station.

That’s why Norton’s rising to the challenge again.

In a statement, she says: “Children across America have endured an extremely challenging year, and D.C. children in particular have not only endured the coronavirus pandemic but now the militarization of their city, with the hostile symbols of fences and barbed wire. Sledding is a simple, childhood thrill. It is the least we can allow for our resilient children this winter season.”

But Norton should go further! She should demand that every member of Congress, and every congressional staff member, be required to ride sleds, build snowmen and throw snowballs – right now! – on the west side of the Capitol.

Way too many of these “leaders” exhibit children’s worst qualities – childishness, poutiness, brattiness. It would do them good to frolic in the snow, relearning and embracing children’s best qualities.

Those qualities are summed up well in Robert Fulghum’s famous essay “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”
“Share everything,” he writes.

Politicians must embrace our shared responsibility by debating ideas civilly – by working out agreements as well-mannered adults. Not like they’re doing things now!

“Play fair,” writes Fulghum.

Attempts to destroy or discredit political opponents with hyperbole and unsubstantiated accusations only lather up half the country and alienate the other half. Such cynical dishonesty drives us apart, making it harder to find orderly, sensible solutions.

“Don’t hit people” is another of Fulghum’s insights.

Unfounded cheap shots have to stop. Calling people “Nazis” just because you dislike them or disagree with their ideas does more to discredit this overused label than it does to discredit your targets.

Washington badly needs civility and common sense right now. I say put Norton in charge of the “Sledding to Make Congress Better Committee” immediately.

I told you she was on to something big!

–

Copyright 2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood,” a humorous memoir available at amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].

Editor’s note: This column originally appeared in 2018.

If I were Punxsutawney Phil, I might think twice before coming out of my burrow this year.

Groundhog Day 2021 is upon us. Every Feb. 2, Phil emerges from a stump in Punxsutawney. If he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t, spring will be just around the corner. Millions have enjoyed this ritual for years, but in these oh-so-serious times, problems may abound.

For starters, Groundhog Day evolved from Candlemas Day, a Christian holy day commemorating the Virgin Mary’s purification. As this tradition evolved in Germany, Germans believed Candlemas Day could also predict the weather — which culminated with playfully pulling a hedgehog out of a tree stump. The tradition was brought to Punxsutawney in 1887 by German immigrants.

But how, some busybody critics may be thinking, can any government body impose on our diverse society any celebration that has its roots in Christianity? Aren’t the people of Punxsutawney supporting one religion over the others? What about their insensitivity to atheists?

Other critics may complain that the event is too male-centric. The “Inner Circle,” the “local dignitaries responsible for carrying on the tradition of Groundhog Day every year,” is comprised of ONLY men. Critics may note that all weather-prediction responsibilities for the past 132 years have been assigned to a MALE groundhog. What about Punxsutawney Phyllis? Has she been too busy making Phil’s coffee?

The Inner Circle talks of how it pampers Phil. He lives in a heated home. He’s fed delicious treats. He receives excellent medical care. But People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says Phil is being abused — that yanking a groundhog out of a stump before bright lights and a large crowd induces incredible stress. PETA wants an animatronic groundhog to replace Phil.

All such criticism will pale in comparison to what may happen if critics learn this tidbit about Phil’s private life: Phil has a harem. To take the edge off of Phil’s lonely bachelor existence, the Inner Circle provides him with three female companions. That’s right: Punxsutawney’s finest dignitaries are trafficking in “woodchucks of the night”!

I, like millions of others, greatly enjoy Groundhog Day. I believe such traditions enrich our world and bring much-needed levity to our chaotic lives. I believe many American traditions evolved from a hodgepodge of cultural influences, and the best celebrate our common humanity — rather than pull us apart. I believe too many of us take ourselves too seriously. As we seek to correct the imperfections of our past — to embrace everyone and offend no one — we sometimes end up lost in the narrowness of our own best intentions.

It’s Groundhog Day, a lighthearted occasion that offers a respite from a long, cold, brutal winter. Aside from PETA’s protestations, I’m joking about Phil’s potential critics, but we all could use a little lightening up about now.

Which is the whole point of Groundhog Day.

©2021 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact [email protected] or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at [email protected].