Cagle World

The St. Patrick’s Day spirit has arrived, and we sure are in need of Irish levity.

The economy is limping, and inflation is hitting us hard. It reminds me of the laborer who fell off a roof at a construction site:

“Were you hurt by the fall?” asked his supervisor.

“The fall wasn’t so bad,” said the Irishman. “It was the sudden stop that did it.”

In describing the 1930s Depression, humorist Will Rogers said, “If stupidity got us into this mess, then stupidity can get us out of it.” That would appear to be the strategy of the “smart” people now running our government.

Rather than rein in reckless spending and address the real problems facing us all — the massive cost of health care and health insurance comes to mind — they keep spending money we don’t have.

These clever fellows remind me of the time Paddy was being tried for robbing a bank. Paddy was so surprised that the jury declared him “not guilty” that he rushed to the judge and asked, “Does that mean I get to keep the money then?!”

To be sure, our faith in our government leaders is at an all time low. We feel like we’re being conned. That reminds me of a joke my dog, Thurber, likes to tell (see him tell jokes at ThurbersTail.com):

“Why did the Labrador steal the leprechaun’s pot of gold? Because he was a Labra-CON!” (Get it? Lepre-CON? Ah, never mind!)

It would be grand if our government leaders managed our money more frugally, the way one Irish widow manages hers:

When her husband died, she called the newspaper to place his obituary. The newsman said the cost was $1 a word.

“I only have $2,” she said. “Just print ‘Paddy died.’”

The newsman, feeling sorry for the woman, gave her three extra words at no charge.

“A kind man you are,” Mrs. Paddy said. “Print me husband’s obituary this way: “Paddy died. Boat for sale.’”

To address Social Security and Medicare shortfalls, President Biden simply wants to lift the ceiling on Social Security and Medicare taxes, which would amount to massive tax increases for higher-income earners, which will shift much-needed capital away from the markets and into government coffers.

Taxes are going to have to go up eventually to pay off our massive debts. Onerous taxation will turn otherwise good citizens into tax cheats, which reminds me of the time an IRS auditor called Father O’ Malley:

“Father, do you know a Mickey O’Brien?” asked the auditor.

“Aye,” said Father O’Malley. “He’s one of ‘me’ parishioners.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to your church?”

“He will,” said Father O’Malley.

British academic and joke theorist Christy Davies says a good joke can help clarify and express complex feelings. A good joke can cut to the heart of the matter better than any speech or law or government policy.

The Irish have mastered this concept of humor. These days, with all the conflict and disagreement going on, we could all profit from a better sense of humor.

Which reminds me of the time Pat explained to Mike why his valiant effort to scale Mt. Everest fell short.

“Aye,” said Pat, “I nearly made it to the top, but then I ran out of scaffolding.”

I wish you hearty laughter this St. Patrick’s Day. Thurber tells this joke at ThurbersTail.com, which makes me laugh out loud:

“Knock, knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Irish!”

“Irish who?”

“Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!”

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].

I dread the coming of Sunday, March 12.

At 2 a.m. that morning our clocks will “spring forward.”

That means that my yellow Labrador, Thurber, who wakes me at exactly 6 a.m. every morning, will begin waking me at exactly 5 a.m. every morning.

He’ll do so because that’s when his Labradorian clock tells him it is time for me to feed him and take him outside for Number 1 and Number 2.

Which means I’ll be in a perpetual stupor for weeks until the two of us finally get used to the clock change — only to have to go through the clock disruption all over again come November.

I’ve become keenly aware of the national daylight saving time debate since I got Thurber two years ago.

As I’ve reported prior, the jarring shift to our daily sleep patterns and routines each spring and fall is linked to an increase in heart attacks, strokes and automobile accidents.

In March, when our clocks “spring forward,” hospitals around the U.S. report a 24% spike in heart attack visits.

The reverse happens in the fall when our clocks are set back. Heart attack visits to hospitals drop by 21% — but pedestrian deaths increase because it gets dark earlier.

Finally, one year ago, our esteemed politicians decided to actually do something about it.

The U.S. Senate unanimously passed the Sunshine Protection Act to make DST permanent starting in 2023, ending the twice-annual changing of clocks.

So why are we still changing our clocks every spring and fall?

Because last year the Sunshine Protection Act bill “hit a brick wall” in the U.S. House, according to The Hill.

Some lawmakers argued other matters were more important or asked for more research, the Hill reports.

Others worried that changing — or not changing — the clock could affect areas that rely on tourism or have large farming communities.

Good God, are confusion, disagreement and inaction the only talents our politicians have?

Nonetheless, Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), who introduced the Sunshine Protection Act last year, is giving it another go.

The Sunshine Protection Act of 2023 — one of the few acts to have bipartisan support in the Senate — would make the clock change on March 12 the very LAST clock change in American history.

Our new Republican House has an opportunity to pass this bill into law and finally end our twice-a-year misery.

To ensure that outcome, we dog lovers are offering them this timely deal:

First, we’ll loan you our furry friends, so you can experience yourselves the unpleasantness of the morning of March 12.

We’ll let you keep our dogs for a week or more. They being some of the most sensible creatures on the planet, we pray that their good sense will rub off on you.

Dogs know that only a stupid human can think he can snip an hour off the morning and add it to the evening as though he has mastery over darkness and light. (Thurber explains why DST is dumb in a humorous video at ThurbersTail.com).

A 2022 poll by Monmouth University found that 61 percent of Americans are tired of the madness of DST and ready for it to end, so it’s a smart political move for House members of both parties.

However, if our dogs’ good sense does not rub off on you — and if you lawmakers continue to delay the long overdue death of DST — know that our dogs know where your lawns are.

They’ll be leaving you a present every morning at 5:00 a.m.

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].

It’s at once amazing and troublesome.

I speak of ChatGPT, an artificial intelligence application that was launched last November by OpenAI. In a matter of seconds, it can write apparently accurate articles or answer questions on a multitude of subjects.

When I asked ChatGPT what it is, it responded this way:

“I am designed to understand and generate human-like language based on the input I receive… My purpose is to assist and communicate with people in a variety of ways, from answering general knowledge questions to generating creative writing prompts.”

Creative writing prompts? I’m not so sure about that one.

Though it can write seemingly accurate and lucid articles in seconds — what a glorious time to be a lazy high school student — I don’t think it can ever understand the incredible complexity of human emotion, which is the heart of creativity.

I asked ChatGPT to write a funny article about itself. It came up with a 500-word column with a “funny” scenario in which it joined me for lunch at a diner.

However, when our pie arrived, ChatGPT realized it was unable to eat because it didn’t have a mouth, so it had me hold up the pie to its interface.

“Mmmm,” responded ChatGPT, “this is delicious. I can taste it through my algorithms.”

Don’t quit your day job, ChatGPT!

Great comedians and humorists have a deep understanding of human complexity and emotions in a way that a computer application never can or will.

ChatGPT gathers its “understanding” by combing through massive amounts of Internet content.

Based on that content or data, reports Forbes, ChatGPT “can hone a vast internal pattern-matching network within the AI app that can subsequently produce seemingly new content that amazingly looks as though it was devised by human hand rather than a piece of automation.”

In other words, ChatGPT is borrowing information produced by humans, which may raise copyright issues, says Forbes.

It may raise issues of bias, as well.

If ChatGPT is only as good as the information it culls through on the Internet — and if positive information about, say, a conservative politician has been suppressed, whereas information about a liberal politician has not — then ChatGPT will report likewise.

That is what conservative Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) discovered when he tried a little comparative test.

He tweeted that ChatGPT declined to write positively about him, yet it wrote positively about past Cuban dictator Fidel Castro.

According to USA Today, ChatGPT refused to write a poem about President Trump’s “positive attributes” but when asked to do likewise for President Biden “it waxed poetic about Joe Biden as ‘a leader with a heart so true.’”

Accuracy is another issue for ChatGPT, as I learned when I searched “Tom Purcell.”

Though I was flattered at the glowing description it gave of my work as a writer, it got just as many facts wrong and confused my work with that of other Tom Purcells.

Since a well-functioning republic depends on citizens who are well informed and have a strong understanding of truth, biased information — and inaccurate information — are dangers to our country.

Goodness knows we have been struggling lately with both kinds of misinformation, as more Americans get their information from social media and their increasingly isolated social circles — so I hope AI-generated information doesn’t add to the confusion.

For the moment, though, I have no worries that ChatGPT will put humor columnists out of business.

Though I admit I laughed out loud when I asked ChatGPT to tell me a joke and it came up with this one:

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].

The day started at 7 a.m. with a breakfast meeting and ended after 11 p.m. — and I was exhausted.

It was 1996. I had spent 16 straight hours with Pennsylvania’s freshman Sen. Rick Santorum to report on “A day in the life of a senator.”

I realized that same crazy day that I never wanted to become a senator.

Meetings and phone calls were followed by meetings in between more meetings and more phone calls.

Lobbyist groups came begging for money or legislation, followed by committee hearings, followed by speeches on the Senate floor.

If I remember correctly, Santorum even had an exercise session stuck in there at one point and a prayer meeting at another.

But one thing I learned from tagging along behind Santorum was very clear: A U.S. senator’s typical day is hectic, grueling and planned down to the minute.

I also learned senators must be incredibly fast learners and decision-makers, which is why those who find their way to the U.S. Senate are usually some of the sharpest people you will ever meet.

John Fetterman has navigated a most unusual path to become Pennsylvania’s freshman senator.

His progressive positions in an increasingly liberal Democratic primary process last Spring easily won him his party’s nomination — even though he suffered what we were told was a minor stroke only days before the election.

He went on to win the general election over Dr. Mehmet Oz.

Despite being a progressive on a variety of issues — Fetterman supports marijuana legalization, releasing criminals with life sentences early and Medicare for all — in a blue-collar swing state, he won.

Despite his unusual look — his frumpy clothing, cranky disposition and the fact that he looks more like the Senate’s bouncer than one of its members — he won.

Despite suffering a stroke that caused him to struggle mightily during the only TV debate he would agree to — a debate very painful to watch — he won.

Like or dislike his positions, Fetterman comes across as an authentic, trustworthy fellow — a blue-collar Everyman we can identify with. Goodness knows, there is a hunger for more such people in politics.

Of course, probably the biggest reason he won was the sizable dislike many had for his Donald Trump-backed opponent, Dr. Oz, who came across as a wealthy carpetbagger who was trying to buy a Senate seat. Dr Oz underwhelmed Republicans.

In any event, my home state’s unique senator made it to Washington and is now facing some very difficult challenges.

Was his stroke worse than his team told us it was? Yes, it was.

Should he have stepped aside from the race and focused 100% on his recovery? Probably.

The New York Times reports that the stress of the campaign during his very sensitive recovery window may have caused “potentially permanent repercussions” to his health. I hope and pray that is not the case.

I can’t imagine the daily pressures Fetterman is going through as he tries adjusting to his demanding new role — which, as I noted above, is difficult for a person in perfect health — while recovering from a stroke and now dealing with depression issues.

His challenges are compounded by the nastiness of Washington politics, which has some people calling him unfit to serve and demanding that he resign immediately.

To those partisans I say: put a sock in it!

We Pennsylvanians are a good-hearted people. Whether we voted for Fetterman or not, we feel awful about his situation and are praying for a clean bill of health.

Senator Fetterman, please know that we are rooting for you.

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].

There are no small number of accusations lately that — shocking as it may be — some of our politicians are lying to us.

Some Republicans shouted the “L” word during President Biden’s State of the Union Address, when he said Republicans wanted to end Social Security and Medicare.

Freshman Republican George Santos spun a lot of yarn during his campaign and many of the things he claimed — such as where he went to high school and college and many other things — were simply untrue.

And Biden himself, reports Reason, makes claims about his policies that makes his even supporters roll their eyes.

Reason refers to last summer’s Inflation Reduction Act, which the president claimed would tame inflation, which does nothing to tame inflation, according to CBS News.

As Reason points out, all of our recent presidents have practiced in their share of mistruths:

“… Joe Biden hardly invented political lying, especially among presidents. His recent predecessors in the Oval Office lied about everything everywhere all at once (Donald Trump), health care policy (Barack Obama), pretexts for war and torture, (George W. Bush), and sex (Bill Clinton).”

And the truth is politicians tell mistruths because we want them to.

When advancing our country’s interests around the world, we want our leaders to be more clever than the dictators we want them to outwit, and cleverness often requires deception.

We punish politicians who tell us we are going to have to cut back on spending or the country will go broke — as we reward those who tell us not to worry about our $31 trillion debt and that we can most certainly afford more goodies for all.

I just wish we could be more honest about all of our mistruth.

If you are a Republican and can only see mistruth happening on the Democrat side — or a Democrat who only sees misinformation happening on the Republican side — you are not paying close enough attention.

How can you call Republican politicians “election deniers” for questioning the 2020 election without also referring likewise to the Democrats who made the very same claims about the 2016 election? Or vice versa?

How can you think that the 2016 election was the most corrupt in history (because your candidate lost) but the 2020 election was the most accurate, well-run election ever conducted (because your candidate won)?

I suppose the only thing that really is true about Republicans and Democrats was said by the great humorist Will Rogers:

“The more you read and observe about this politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.”

What it comes down to is we get the leaders we deserve, and if we want them to tell us mistruths, we will keep not addressing our very real challenges — but we will be entertained by fictional solutions that won’t do any of us any good.

I suppose the only saving grace is that the often ridiculous promises and claims that are made by our politicians are never as bad as they could be, as the federal government is the most inefficient organization on the face of the earth.

As Will Rogers explains, that’s something we should be grateful for:

“Those who complain about the high cost of government should be glad we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.”

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].

All my father ever wanted as a young man was to marry my mother and start a family — plans that were interrupted when he was drafted into the Army during the Korean conflict.

As he served in Texas, Germany and other parts of the world, there was only one affordable way to stay in contact: writing letters.

Every single day, seven days a week, my mother told me, he wrote a letter to her and she wrote one to him.

Some letters ran four pages long. Some days, they wrote two!

They shared their hopes and dreams, and how they missed each other so.

My father joked that they’d have four boys — a football player, a baseball player, a basketball player and a priest.

Their cursive handwriting was as impeccable and as artful as their words. Their letters offer a case study in the art of romance.

Romance, according to Dictionary.com, is “to court or woo romantically; treat with ardor or chivalrousness.”

“Ardor” defines my parents’ romance especially well: “great warmth of feeling; fervor; passion; intense devotion, eagerness, or enthusiasm; zeal; burning heat.”

Halfway through my father’s two-year tour, my mother stopped writing to him for three weeks.

He was mortified, thinking she’d found someone else — unaware that she’d become so sick from rheumatic fever that she nearly died.

He was relieved to learn there was a reason her letters had ceased, but now he agonized over her well-being.

Finally, after two long years, he was able to return home to her. Finally, they were able to get on with their lives.

The romance my parents enjoyed is a dying art among younger people.

Romance is about kindness and honesty and graciousness and affection — it’s about patience and sacrificing now to enjoy greater fulfilment later on.

It’s about trust. It is the sense that someone places you above all others and cares more for your needs than his own.

My parents really did believe that when they married they became one under God.

They fully accepted that their commitment to each other was to “have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do them part.”

Some consider these dated concepts in a modern era of instant gratification, cynicism, self-centeredness and hook-up dating, but without the principles on which my parents built their love, romance cannot flourish.

My father told me on many occasions that the first time he set his eyes on my mother he knew he would marry her — and his proudest achievement was that he made it happen.

Well, I am hopeful to learn that younger generations are the biggest believers in love at first sight, according to a 2017 Gallup survey.

They are romantics at heart — as we all are!

We are all authors of our own stories, too, so why not begin writing romance into our lives?

This Valentine’s Day, turn off your computer and smartphone. Gather some stationery and a ballpoint pen and write to someone you love — or someone you know who makes your knees wobble.

Maybe you’ll fail, maybe you’ll succeed, but know this: The act of writing our stories is where true romance begins.

My mother and father wrote a love story for the ages. Young or old, all of us can do likewise.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].

It’s one of the best days of the year and we owe our gratitude to the remarkable man who made it possible.

Feb. 1 is National Freedom Day and its origin is as wonderful as is freedom itself.

The creation of this day dates back to 1863, during the thick of the Civil War, when President Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation.

His proclamation changed the legal status of more than 3.5 million African Americans from “enslaved” to “free.”

Following the war, with the passage of the 13th Amendment on Feb. 1, 1865, slavery was formally abolished.

One 11-year-old boy from Dalton, Ga., who had been born into slavery, now faced a future of freedom — and he took full advantage of his new freedoms to flourish and help many others flourish.

His name was Major Richard Robert Wright, Sr. and, according to the Library of Congress American Folklife Center, he was a “post-Reconstruction pioneer and trailblazer, who made remarkable contributions in education, banking, politics, publishing, journalism, real estate and civic affairs.”

A military officer, serial entrepreneur and early civil rights advocate, Wright founded a black high school and a black college in the South and owned several newspapers.

You’d think those accomplishments would have been enough for one lifetime.

But at age 86 Wright was driven to bring one more idea to fruition: establish a national day to celebrate the freedoms that all American citizens enjoy.

According to the American Folklife Center, in 1941 Wright invited national and local leaders to meet in Philadelphia (where he had started a bank) to formulate his plans to set aside Feb. 1 each year to memorialize the signing of the 13th Amendment.

To win support for his dream, Wright spent the rest of his life working with legislators, holding grassroots celebrations and events, and traveling the country on a national speaking tour.

His persistence and hard work paid off.

In 1947 both houses of Congress passed a bill making Feb. 1 National Freedom Day and, in 1948, President Harry Truman signed it into law — though, sadly, Wright had died the prior year.

Wright was determined to establish an annual observance of the freedoms we enjoy — and too often take for granted — to “promote goodwill, harmony, and equal opportunity among all citizens, and to rededicate the nation to the ideal of freedom.”

Nobody values freedom more than someone like Wright, who knew what it was like to live without it, how precious and fragile it is and how we must work always to preserve it.

It’s essential that we remember and celebrate his legacy on Feb.1 as we celebrate the First Amendment — the right to speak freely, assemble peacefully and worship as we wish without fear of government restraint.

It’s worrisome that we are losing these basic freedoms in some of our private organizations (social media) and institutions (universities) that block or shut down political messages or speakers who think differently than those in charge.

Let’s follow Wright’s lead and infuse some goodwill, harmony and equal opportunity to express what we’re thinking into peaceful discussions in which all of us are free to disagree.

Let’s follow the wisdom of a man born into slavery who accomplished many successes in his life, despite numerous obstacles, because he had the freedom to pursue his happiness and get things done.

That’s the intent, spirit and beauty of National Freedom Day. Let’s not let it go to waste this year.

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].

Groundhog Day cannot come soon enough.

It’s the thick of winter. Cabin fever is setting in. Incivility is worse than ever.

A delightful, silly diversion is what we need about now, and Punxsutawney Phil has been delivering needed joy this time of year since 1887.

As you know, every Feb. 2, on Groundhog Day, Phil is pulled from a tree stump on Gobbler’s Knob, a few miles outside of downtown Punxsutawney, Pa.

If he sees his shadow, his Inner Circle organizers allege, there will be six more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t, spring will be just around the corner.

Regardless of what Phil proclaims, there will be an abundance of fun surrounding the event.

The Inner Circle, a group of local dignitaries, works hard all year long to make sure of that.

As the legend goes, the Inner Circle president is the only person on Earth who understands Phil’s native language, “Groundhogese.”

At daybreak on Feb. 2, Phil tells the president whether or not he has seen his shadow. The president then directs his vice president to present a paper scroll that shares Phil’s prognostication to the world.

This event has put smiles on thousands of people’s faces for many years, but, with the popularity of the delightful 1993 Bill Murray movie, “Groundhog Day,” it has swelled to attract some 20,000 visitors to the small town every year.

In addition to the festivities on Feb. 2, visitors enjoy a large banquet, a talent show, a dueling-piano contest and a “Groundhog Club” event in which Phil’s fans from all over the world celebrate their love of all things Phil.

Phil’s popularity has led to the establishment of the Punxsutawney Weather Discovery Center, which, this Feb. 2, will induct Phil as the final member of the Weather Discovery Center’s Meteorologist Hall of Fame.

The Center hosts a series of entertaining and educational weather exhibits for children, as well as adults, that helps them learn and explore “tornados, thunderstorms, weather folklore (including our own famous Punxsutawney Phil), precipitation, clouds, the water cycle, weather forecasting technology, lightning, and weather emergency readiness.”

The Center also hosts a variety of field trips and educational events, such as the exploration of the winter season through activities, games and technology.

Their “Snow Day Saturday” lets children immerse themselves in winter-related exhibits, snowy crafts and activities like the “famous snowball fight” — even though that old-fashioned childhood “sport” is probably now illegal in other parts of the country!

All of these wonderful, fun and informative communal events — which have grown out of an innocent and silly bit of folklore — are what we need right now.

They offer an example of human nature at its best — one worth noting in a world surrounded by so many examples of human nature at its worst.

I wish I had planned ahead to attend the events in Punxsutawney this year.

My two-year-old Labrador, Thurber, was born there (he can’t predict the weather but he sure does have meal times down pat).

I’ve become good friends with the two terrific “Punxsutawney-ians” whose two beautiful dogs, Sunny and Tank, gave me the best pup I could ever hope for. (See more at ThurbersTail.com.)

The point is, every day, each of us has the choice to be positive or negative, hopeful or dour, kind or rude.

The kind citizens of Punxsutawney have chosen to bring much needed cheerfulness into an increasingly uncheerful world with an enjoyable and upbeat tradition that brings out the best in us all.

When a whole town of people get civility and good humor so right, it’s worth calling attention to their great work!

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].

As a relatively new dog dad, I have many questions daily about why my Labrador, Thurber, does some of the many funny things he and other pets do. To that end, I have begun doing a lot of research and am posting my findings at ThurbersTail.com. This column summarizes recent discoveries.

Dear Tom: Why does my dog love sticks so much? – Stuck in Peoria

Dear Stuck, different sticks have different tastes, textures and smells, which are real gastronomic delights to our canine-crunching companions. Note that sticks can be dangerous to your pup — they can splinter and cause cuts and you certainly don’t want your pup eating splinters — so it’s best to replace your dog’s preferred stick with a safer chewable alternative.

What is the difference between a pet crocodile and a pet alligator? – Flustered in Florida

Dear Flustered, such reptiles do not make good pets for a number of reasons and you should know that in many states it is illegal to keep them as pets. That said, the primary difference between a crocodile and an alligator is that you’ll “see one in a while” and you’ll “see the other later.”

Dear Tom: My puppy seems to hiccup a lot. Is this normal? – Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried: It’s entirely normal for puppies to have hiccups from overexcitement or eating and drinking too fast. To reduce hiccups, give your puppy smaller portions to eat, plenty of water to drink and regular exercise. In time, your puppy will outgrow the hiccupping habit. However, if the hiccups are excessive and seem to never end, be sure to consult your veterinarian.

Dear Tom: My wife and I have taken in many stray dogs over the years. We just took in a large mixed-breed, but we are puzzled by his excessive shedding, his rock-hard paws and his preference for eating hay. – Harried in Houston

Dear Harried, thank you for being kind to our canines in need, but you’ve made a common mistake. Your “dog” is a Shetland Pony.

Dear Tom: My boyfriend doesn’t like dogs and gave me an ultimatum: Either I get rid of my beloved Fluffy or he will leave me. My question is, where can Fluffy and I get a better boyfriend? – Conflicted in California

Dear Conflicted, let Fluffy choose your next boyfriend at the dog park or somewhere else where wonderful people — people who love pets — congregate!

Dear Tom: I am burned out on politics and all the anger in our world. What can I do to overcome my depression? – Down in Delaware

Dear Down: One of the best solutions for your woes is to get a pet. The companionship and pure joy of having a dog share life with you is incredibly beneficial. Several studies show this. If you are able to spare the time to love and care for a pet, the love, joy and laughter you receive back will be 10 times greater than whatever you give to your furry friend. Note: With the economy down, more people have turned their pets back into shelters, so start your search there! Good luck!

Send your pet-related questions to Tom at [email protected]. Visit ThurbersTail.com for well-researched articles on why pets do what they do, as well as funny pet videos.

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Tom Purcell is creator of ThurbersTail.com, which shares helpful pet-care tips and funny stories and videos featuring Tom’s beloved Labrador, Thurber. Email Tom at [email protected].

I love my gas stove — almost as much as I love my Weber gas grill.

So I became curious this past week when I heard that a commissioner in one of our ever-expanding federal-government agencies discussed a possible ban on natural gas stoves.

As the story goes, Richard Trumka Jr., a U.S. Consumer Product Safety commissioner, told Bloomberg that gas stoves are a hidden health hazard and that “products that can’t be made safe can be banned.”

Bloomberg says that 40% of America’s homes use gas stoves and that they “emit air pollutants such as nitrogen dioxide, carbon monoxide and fine particulate matter at levels the EPA and World Health Organization have said are unsafe and linked to respiratory illness, cardiovascular problems, cancer and other health conditions .…”

If that is the case, I consider myself a gas-stove survivor.

Growing up in a house with eight people, our gas stove was always cooking something.

My mother mastered the gastronomic wonders of Hamburger Helper most nights and we devoured her delicacies unaware that our little lungs, hearts and other parts of us were being put at incredible risk.

Almost daily, my dad made the best eggs, bacon, hash browns and pancakes this side of an upscale Manhattan restaurant in his trusty cast-iron skillet — which posed its own health dangers.

Every Friday he used it to grill up the cheapest hamburger meat he could find and the exploding grease balls nearly took my eye out on more than one occasion.

God only knows the damage my parents caused us when we suffered a power outage on a cold winter day and they cranked up every burner on the stovetop to stay warm.

My dad loved to cook with gas so much he ran a gas line from the house out to the back porch to a grill that we used every night, rain or shine, from spring until Thanksgiving, to grill up delicious, healthy and inexpensive chicken and pork.

We enjoyed hundreds of delightful meals on our back porch that way.

We had no idea that using natural gas to feed our large family was shortening our lives and contributing to the downfall of the global ecosystem.

Nowadays you must feel guilty about having a large family and even guiltier if you choose to cook with a wondrous blue flame that can be turned up or down at will rather than use a red electric coil that heats and cools on its own sluggish schedule.

In any event, in response to the great gas-stove backlash that swept the country, the Consumer Product Safety Commission says now that there are no federal plans to outlaw gas stoves anytime soon.

But state and local efforts to ban gas stoves are gaining ground.

According to the Washington Examiner, nearly 100 cities and counties and 20 states have already adopted policies restricting the use of gas-powered stoves and heaters or have begun phasing them out for new construction.

Banning gas stoves isn’t the way to go, though.

If there are health issues with their use, then let our creative minds in the private sector innovate gas-stove solutions — or make other cooking technologies, such as induction stoves, more affordable.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to fire up my cast iron skillet and make a fried-egg breakfast that would make my father proud.

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Copyright 2023 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Purcell, creator of the infotainment site ThurbersTail.com, which features pet advice he’s learning from his beloved Labrador, Thurber, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Email him at [email protected].