The Birthers Ruined Schwarzenegger’s White House Chance

Imagine you have an action hero head of state: his bronzed muscles rippling as he battles balancing budgets, bureaucracy and lobbyists. He’s a retina-searing international superstar who sets the political world ablaze. His occasional character “complexities” are always forgiven by perfectly timed press conferences. He’s a cigar smoker ““ a Humvee driver. And yes, the nudes of him from the “˜70s are tasteful – he’s a Republican. He believes in smaller government, lower taxes and gun ownership. This is the sexy image every leaner-to-the-right wants to think they’re just a little like: meet Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Cartoon by Petar Pismestrovic - Cagle Cartoons (click to purchase)

Cartoon by Petar Pismestrovic - Cagle Cartoons (click to purchase)

In 2003 what has been described as a “perfect storm” in California breached the levees of the governor’s mansion occupied by Governor Gray Davis. The dot-com bust, a recession, and an Enron-sponsored energy crisis coupled with rolling blackouts all battered the not-so-charismatic supporter of illegal immigrants getting drivers’ licenses. A massive and expensive special election was called.

Suddenly everyone from the neighborhood security guard (Gary Coleman) to the local bikini-clad porn star was on the ballot to compete for the prize of governor of the most populated and richest state in the Union. Then on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Conan the Barbarian announced he’d also be running for governor. After that there were lines around the block to cast a vote for The Kindergarten Cop. Reporters everywhere were giddy with the mountain of funny film monikers to bestow on the then-Governator hopeful.

Ahem.

When the votes were tallied, the electorate overwhelmingly said “yes” to the recall and “yes” to the star of Total Recall.

The “actor” mega-superstar Schwarzenegger was able to do what even Richard Nixon could never accomplish: be governor of California.

When gazing over the footage of not-too-easily-galvanized Californians lining up by the millions to vote for a Republican, the next thought was obvious: he’s going to be the president. His only measly little obstacle is to amend the Constitution, which is outdated on the subject after all. It states, “No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President.” Who was a citizen at the time of the adoption of the Constitution, anyway? Not even Reagan. John McCain, if you’ll remember, was born in Panama.

The Austrian-born now politician who took the governorship in the least figurative way by storm seemed destined for the White House! The dude is married to a Kennedy for Pete’s sakes!

But hold on there, GOP Dreamboat (er turbo engine yacht), you’re about to be sunk by a group of paranoid nativists called The Birthers. The Birthers believe President Barack Obama wasn’t born in America and his birth certificate is a fake. It’s a conspiracy so elaborate, clever and void of any real evidence that they’re the only ones who believe it. You’d think a real Manchurian Candidate wouldn’t be black with a foreign sounding name so as not to arouse suspicion from these folks, but that’s just what the Commies would want you to think.

The Republicans siding with the Birthers, and generally ramping up of the anti-immigration sentiment, are shooting themselves in the foot. And not just with Latino voters. Schwarzenegger is by far the most popular and (gasp) competent of any other candidates vying for the nomination in 2012. An amendment requires a two-thirds majority in both houses of Congress and ratification by three-fourths of the states. The Democrats, smartly, won’t bring it up and the Republicans shortsightedly won’t either. If the Democrats suggested an amendment ““ the Birthers would shriek that it’s proof of Obama’s foreign birth. If the Republicans suggested it ““ the Birthers would”¦well, pretty much do the same.

Last week, Schwarzenegger, again on the Tonight Show said, “without any doubt,” he wants to run for president. He described the quagmire as painful to him.

He’s an unimaginable immigration success story foiled by an antiquated technicality clung to by his own party. My hope is the Governator becomes a champion for comprehensive reform. Currently, he’s a reasonable yet heavily accented voice in a wash of economically ignited xenophobia. He may not be able to run for president because of his country of birth, but he could do a monumental service to his country of choice.

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Tina Dupuy is an award-winning writer, editor and columnist for Cagle Cartoons. Follow Tina on Twitter @TinaDupuy.

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The Latest Republican Conspiracy Theory

It seems everybody gets their own pet conspiracy these days: Birthers, Birchers, Deathers, Truthers and whatever you call the people who won’t get their kids inoculated. According to the theories, nothing is as it seems and everyone is in on it. Following this reasonable assumption, I’ve come up with my own. Here it is: former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Congressman Paul Ryan from Wisconsin are all Democratic plants.

Michael Steele RNC bondage lesbians

Cartoon by Mike Luckovich - Atlanta Journal-Constitution (click to comment)

It’s true. I have proof. The signs are everywhere. It’s so painfully obvious:

Who has been a bigger boon to the Democratic Party than Sarah Palin? There’s no way that’s for real. Come on, no one had ever heard of her and then suddenly she’s tanking the GOP’s presidential bid? That’s not suspicious? The press called her behavior “going rogue,” I call it taking orders from the opposition. So you’re going to run for Vice President and you’re not going to read up on the issues? Putin rearing his head? Wear a quarter of a million dollar donated wardrobe while giving speeches about fiscal conservatism? Use the catch-phrase “palling around with terrorists” while you’re schtuping a secessionist? It’s plain to see: she was working with David Axelrod and David Plouffe to get Obama into the White House.

Then with her help, Obama won (of course) by a huge margin. No one figured out that she was a double agent after losing the election? Then just to make the greenhorn Democrats seem more steady at the wheel she quit her job as a governor during one of the worst economic times since the Great Depression. Now she’s out to sabotage the Tea Parties by speaking on their behalf while taking six figure speaking fees from them. How was she not pretending she couldn’t remember a thing like “lift American’s spirits.” It’s insultingly clear! She even stumped for Senator John McCain last week in Tucson and said “some may claim that John was there at that first Tea Party.” Jokes about McCain being old? Really? Doesn’t that sound like something a Democrat would say about him? Yes. Yes it does.

And RNC Chairman Michael Steele, are we really supposed to believe in this phony “Bizarro Obama” act? POLITICO stated he’s spending twice as much as his predecessors on private planes, limos and flowers while trying to co-opt populist outrage. And now there are reports the FEC is investigating nearly two grand of RNC donor money being spent at a bondage theme club last February in West Hollywood. The same club Lindsay Lohan frequents just before she checks back into rehab. So far Steele is claiming it wasn’t him, although it still accomplishes his goal as a Trojan Horse. How much more does he need to spell it out for us: he’s in cahoots with the Democrats. He’s been working hard at it too, “honest Injun.” It’s not like he’s working on the shattered party ““ he’s writing books and taking speaking fees while chairman. Who is going to come out against empathy when the economy is in freefall besides someone trying to make the DNC look better? “Crazy nonsense empathetic. I’ll give you empathy. Empathize right on your behind. Craziness,” said Steele during the Sonia Sotomayor hearings. I wonder which of Obama’s speechwriters gave him that gem.

Do I need to draw a map for you people? Where’s my chalkboard? I don’t want any of you to freak out since my conspiracy has nothing to do with Nazis or Chairman Mao. Of course, that’s what they’d want you to think.

I brought up Congressman Ryan because he outed himself as an Obama plant last week. After health care reform was signed into law, he penned (allegedly) an op/ed in the New York Times. The title of the piece was “Fix Health Reform, Then Repeal It.” Why would you need to fix something if you’re just going to repeal it? Wasn’t that the unbelievable plotline for the movie Wolverine?! It doesn’t make any sense unless you’re really in the tank for Obamacare. Clean up the house, demolish it, and then listen to us about government waste. He’s clearly trying to make a mockery of Republicans.

Oh yes, we’re through the looking glass here people.

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Tina Dupuy is an award-winning writer and the editor of FishbowlLA.com. Tina can be reached at [email protected], and follow her on twitter @TinaDupuy

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