We Are the Wonks

by Peter Funt
Outside Ohio, the question isn't so much whether basketball superstar LeBron James will opt to stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers, but whether a shamelessly hokey rendition of "We Are the World," sung by local politicians and media folk, will have any actual impact on his thinking.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="420" caption="Cartoon by John Cole - Scranton Times-Tribune (click to reprint)"]Arlen Specter[/caption]

The Ohio version goes: "Please stay, LeBron; We really need you. No bigger market's gonna love you half as much as we do. It's a choice you're making; will you go or will you stay? What will we do with that big sign, if you move away?"

Could a dumb ditty like that sway a major decision? If so, get ready for...

Senator Arlen Specter campaign ad - "Please vote for me; I'm finished changing. It's the GOP, not my new par-ty, that needs rearranging. If you boot me out, let there be no mys-tery; I'll just join a group that suits me to a tea..."

Elena Kagan testimony
- "Do I look gay? How dare you wonder. Your group's a joke; the system's broke, and gone asunder. If I am confirmed, you all know so very well. I'll sit on the bench and never ask or tell..."

BP commercial - "OK, we goofed, but we're still tryin'. For 75-mil, our experts shill; you know they're lyin'. It'll cost a lot, now that the Gulf's a dump. But we'll get even with you, baby, at the pump..."

NBC promo - "We are the net; we do it our way. Prime-time may suck, but that's bad luck; we're makin' Jay pay. We've got new shows planned; and we'll be tops again. You'll love Al Roker when we put him on at 10...."

Sean Hannity script - "We are the world; we see it our way. We love our views, and don't confuse, what else the facts say. Balance is our goal, and we strive to keep things fair; but if we are wrong we never seem to care..."

Steve Jobs pitch - "We struck it rich; you love the iPad! You over pay, what can I say? It makes us all glad. Apple's doin' great, and we've got you all to thank. And we're laughin' all the way to the i-Bank..."

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer news conference - "We love our cops; they stop the capers. They'll let you pass, but first they want to see your papers. We've got border guards, 'cause Latinos try to roam. As for tourists, we'll just let them stay at home..."

President Obama speech - "This job is tough; did I misjudge it? The polls are down, the markets too; I just can't fudge it. But we'll muddle through, and I want you all to know: no matter what, the job won't go to Joe..."


Peter Funt may be reached at www.CandidCamera.com.

©2010 Peter Funt. This column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc. newspaper syndicate. For info call Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or e-mail [email protected].

Peter Funt is a writer and public speaker. He's also the long-time host of "Candid Camera." A collection of his DVDs is available at www.candidcamera.com.