I love April, but as a self-employed writer, I’m knee-deep in tax receipts and spreadsheet misery.

I love to hear what our great minds have said about their own tax miseries:

“We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.” — Winston Churchill

“I don’t know if I can live on my income or not — the government won’t let me try it.” — Bob Thaves

“They can’t collect legal taxes from illegal money.” — Al Capone

Hey, Al, you make me want to get into the bookie business.

Here are more gems:

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” — Albert Einstein

“Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income tax form than it does to make the income.” — Alfred E. Neuman

“A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right.” — Anonymous

You got that right, Anonymous. The more we make, the more our silent partner, the government, takes.

Here’s more on tax pain:

“You don’t pay taxes. They take taxes.” — Chris Rock

“Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.” — Calvin Coolidge

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” — Dave Barry

Dave, I wish you were still writing your hilarious column — especially during tax time.

Here’s more tax sense:

“America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.” — Laurence J. Peter

“What the government gives it must first take away.” — John S. Coleman

“Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay.” — Milton Friedman

Hey, Milton, somebody needs to explain that fiction to New York City voters.

And more:

“A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.” — Russell B. Long

“I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money.” — Arthur Godfrey

“Taxation with representation ain’t so hot, either.” — Gerald Barzan

Believe it or not, the IRS used to publish these humorous tax quotes on its website:

“People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.” — Unknown

“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.” — Will Rogers

“Where there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income.” — Plato

Well, then, Plato, I guess tax woes have been around for a while.

As I prepare endless tax details for my CPA, at least I can find joy in these great quotes:

“A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait for tax time.” — Unknown

“Did you ever notice that when you put the words ‘the’ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells ‘THEIRS’?” — Unknown

“The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it’s more like a tired feeling.” — Paula Poundstone

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Copyright 2026 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

See Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and funny videos featuring his dog, Thurber, at TomPurcell.com. Email him at [email protected].