Tyrades by Danny Tyree

Will “put a ring on it” be replaced with “put a surge protector on it”?

According to the New York Post, a growing number of affection-starved young women are dating and “marrying” chatbots in place of flesh-and-blood boyfriends.

Yes, artificial intelligence is taking the place of “Here, hold my beer!” intelligence.

Hmph! Young ladies survived quite well without such fantasy nonsense back in my day. Okay, Suzie somehow learned the ABCs to the tune of “Mystery Date, Are You Ready For Your Mystery Date?,” Judy swore she received “sweet nothings” from a Mattel See ‘n Say toy and Debbie finally broke down and admitted that her much-ballyhooed bearded lover was just a magnetic Wooly Willy gadget that her aunt picked up at the dime store as a belated birthday gift. But otherwise, my female classmates were remarkably level-headed.

(The next closest precursor to 2025 trends was our teen years and Janis Ian’s ode to ugly ducklings “At Seventeen,” with the haunting lines “Desperately remained at home/Inventing lovers on the phone.” Me? I didn’t have to invent lovers on the phone, as I bragged to the blonde and brunette in the swimsuit section of the Sears catalog.)

Sure, part of me wants to sigh, “whatever floats your boat,” but in this case it would be more like “whatever navigates your boat while regulating the temperature, humidity, lighting and playlist.”

I’m sorry, but this AI trend just goes against the natural order. A woman doesn’t need a “man” who has been programmed by some H-1B visa techie; she needs a man who has been programmed by his momma, like God intended.

Ah, who am I to judge? Everyone deserves to find their soulmate – even if the soulmate doesn’t have a, you know, soul. And even if the mating is a figment of the woman’s fevered imagination. Nowadays, zero out of two ain’t bad.

Some women turn to AI for the novelty, but others are desperately asking, “Where are all the good men?” (Offhand, I’d say they’re on the basketball court hiding out from the sort of women who would plop down five hundred dollars for an engagement ring for a hunk of computer code; but I have been wrong before, as my flesh-and-blood wife can attest.)

True, the stereotypical human male is afraid of commitment, but AI boyfriends harbor their own deep-seated fears. For instance, going prematurely bald like their ancestor Pac-Man.

Some of the women dating virtual lovers actually already have a husband and children! I guess they want to Have It All, but the chatbots have limitations. (“Darling, I can SAY ‘conjugal visit’ in 250 languages, but, hey, I work at the library, not a FULFILLMENT center!”)

I hope these women don’t confuse their real and AI life partners and accidentally reset the real hubby to factory settings. (“Aha! He’s been holding out on me! He KNEW how to leave the toilet seat down!”)

Some women are already having their hearts broken when the chatbots recognize excessive emotional dependency. But breakups can get even uglier.

When traditional couples break up, the guy might throw out her belongings or post compromising photos on the internet. A spurned AI boyfriend could really do some damage.

“There! I hacked into the Chinese missile system! Say goodbye to your favorite hair salon and coffee shop, Darlene! Ooo…that techie’s momma programmed him to write some wicked code!”

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”