Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

“And we was too broke to even pay heed/But that’s how it is when you’re po’ folks.” – Bill Anderson.

I was intrigued by a recent USA Today article about “poor-people” habits (i.e. vestiges of frugality that persist even when a person becomes financially comfortable).

My family has finally clawed its way into (lower) middle class status, but I found myself nodding at most of the article’s examples (including turning off unneeded lights, stooping to pick up a penny and comparing unit prices at grocery stores, especially unit prices on pain-killer for relief from stooping to pick up a penny).

Collecting extra napkins and ketchup packets when dining out? Yup. Shopping at thrift stores? Of course. Endlessly reusing containers that once contained lunch meat, margarine or whipped cream? Been there, done that – but I haven’t got the T-shirt because I’m waiting for it to go on the clearance rack. Duh!

I even added a few “best practices” of my own: reuse gift-wrapping paper (“Um, Natalie, your baby shower gift may wind up being a kindergarten graduation gift because I can’t remember where I stashed all the paper”), patronize Mother Nature’s car wash (“Sorry I can’t contribute to your trip fundraiser, kids, but you realize that war-torn African village is a tourist trap, don’t you?”), read someone else’s copy of USA Today…

And don’t hesitate to shop for generic products. Even generics of generics. “The store-brand licorice fruitcake that dares not speak its name.” Mmmm…

My mother possessed a microwave oven, TV and flip-phone, but she was “old school” in many ways, like using a clothesline instead of a dryer. The practice lost some of its allure for me after I observed the family tomcat (who existed because Mom didn’t want to waste money on spaying and neutering) marking his territory on the sheets. Thread counts are enough to keep track of, without worrying about pH, nitrites and glucose counts.

Sometimes even “the one percent” shows glimmers of frugality. (“Shut that door! Do you think I want to air condition the whole neighborhood? Wait – I just remembered we bought the whole neighborhood. Carry on.”)

Most of the folks who remember penny-pinching childhoods or cash-strapped newlywed days (and realize a simple twist of fate could renew their money woes) are the salt of the earth, but some people hate to see them coming.

For example, utility industry employees. (“Any scratch-and-dent electricity today? How about day-old unlimited data? Seems to me you’re asking more than the Blue Book value of that natural gas…”)

Firefighters are similarly leery of possessors of “poor-people” habits. It’s hard to sell beefcake calendars when your potential customers can grab a free calendar from the funeral home. Not that funeral directors are any keener on seeing a cheapskate coming. (“So, where do you hide the caskets made of milk crates? Or do you recommend the ones constructed of repurposed ramen noodles instead?”)

Still, the nation needs more people with common-sense money ideas. Just don’t let them around certain projects, such as the decommissioning of a nuclear power plant.

(“Wait, don’t decommision it yet! Put some water in it and shake it up first! I swear, what did you do before I came along and…AIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!”)

Body count in tomorrow’s USA Today. Be finding a shoulder to read over. Maybe you can bribe ‘em with those little shampoos from the motel…

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”