Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

I’m glad most people have abandoned chirping, “See ya in the funny papers.”

Because that quaint farewell would reopen old wounds, since folks will definitely NOT be seeing me in the funny papers.

You see, 2025 marks the 50th anniversary of my ill-fated attempt to become a professional cartoonist.

Most kids “grow out of” drawing soon after the mandatory “trace around your hand to create a turkey” illustrations, but I had stuck with it. Granted, some of my drawings looked like I had traced around a live, flailing turkey; but my dream of landing in the comics section persisted into my teen years.

With too much time on my hands (as I recall, my questionable luck with girls elicited schoolyard chants of “Danny and (fill in the blank) sittin’ in a tree…until she pushed him out!”), I had created a mustachioed character named Tat McGrat – an amiable bachelor, self-employed tattoo artist and resident of a small town populated by the obligatory Colorful Characters.

Armed with bristol board and an antique fountain pen, I crafted a generous batch of samples and hired a local printer to collect them in a black-and-white comic book. My father’s boss – admiring such initiative by a teenager – contributed much of the funding.

I had planned on mailing my samples to individual newspapers, but then I found a list of syndicate addresses and needed only a small portion of the print run.

As a lifelong comics fan, I wanted the chance to stand on the shoulders of giants (such as Al Capp and Milton Caniff) and share my humor with the world. I also lusted after the potential merchandising money if Tat caught on.

Considering how little I actually researched the art of tattooing, the first merchandising project would probably have been a Tat McGrat version of Milton Bradley’s Operation game. (“Remove gangrenous arm. Hide from Chamber of Commerce.”)

Alas, the rejection letters (mostly polite form letters) started arriving. One or two editors did take the time to be brutally honest about my shortcomings.

I hadn’t constructed enough backstory for my characters. My style was all over the place – from character-driven gags to “Far Side”-esque surrealism to a 15-year-old’s version of Watergate satire.

Very unprofessionally, I tried cramming the names of classmates in between panels. Some of my ink smears made Tat McGrat seem more like a Rorschach test than a competitor for “Beetle Bailey.”

The rejection letters didn’t single-handedly clobber my cartooning career (I served as art co-editor of the high school newspaper one year, and many dusty yearbooks still house personalized sketches); but combined with homework, an after-school job, family commitments and other obstacles, they made me transition toward writing.

I experience my wistful “What if?” moments, but I don’t regret in the slightest that I attempted becoming a professional cartoonist. Cartooning was my shot at notoriety, attention, popularity and coolness.

Some of my peers had their own claims to high school fame – and their skills have aged just as poorly as my own.(“I can’t cruise downtown after sundown anymore, and arthritis makes it hard to produce the fake IDs now. But, hey, I still have the key to my parents’ liquor cabinet! Okay, the liquor cabinet sold at auction when my folks died, but…”)

Until next time, see ya in…well, wherever the editor of this fine publication decides to place me!

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”