Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

For the sake of full disclosure, I helped pay for my college education by working summers at a local cosmetics factory. My wife later served as microbiologist at that same factory.

(For the sake of even fuller disclosure, my college diploma has, alas, been moisturized by cascades of “Hey, where did the high-paying job offers go?” tears. Pardon the digression.)

But, as Mother’s Day approaches…I’m intrigued by a trend recognized in a recent “New York Post” story.

According to the Post, many moms are rebelling. They’re rebelling against generation after generation of mothers who felt like failures if their daughters didn’t copy their every primping move in front of the vanity mirror. They’re rebelling against social media influencers who bombard youngsters with unrealistic, unhealthy standards of beauty.

They’re rebelling by teaching their daughters the joy of natural beauty.

That’s right: glitz and “good looks” don’t have to be synonymous.

These moms encourage their daughters to find the right path in life, not look like they’re walking the most profitable street in life.

And concerned mothers can never start too early countering the time-consuming, budget-busting status quo. I’m hearing more and more reports of unborn baby girls who refuse to show up for their sonograms unless they get a glamour filter that takes off at least 15 pounds.

Yes, genuinely healthy skin is more important than sporting a “faux glow” or some other chemically induced embellishment. (“My foundation used to be a $280-a-bottle designer luxury. Now my foundation is the Help Judy Pay Her &%$# Emergency Dermatology Co-Pay Foundation.”)

Oh, the moms in the “Get Un-ready With Me” movement acknowledge that a little “gussying up” is good on special occasions (especially if the gussying up involves pitching woo in a surrey with the fringe on top); but they offer their offspring an alternative to society’s obsession with trendy lipstick, rouge and eyeshadow.

(We can talk later about cosmetics industry employees’ obsession with food, a roof and utilities.)

They want their daughters to soar – because they have ambitious dreams, not because a stiff updraft caught their overly long fake eyelashes and whisked them away.

They want their daughters to be able to express themselves without carrying a “Speaking artificiality to power!” sign.

They want their daughters to realize that what’s important is what’s inside them, not what’s inside L’Oreal’s money vault.

Layers and layers of goop have given the phrase “Maybe it’s Maybelline” a whole new meaning. (“Maybelline, that is you under there, isn’t it? Nod twice if I’ve picked up the wrong child from dance class again.”)

Now that moms are throwing off the chains of tradition concerning cosmetics, I’m giddy to imagine what other maternal protocols may fall.

“Stop pulling your sister’s hair or I swear I’m driving this car straight to the bouncy house.”

“I’ve sworn all the EMTs to secrecy, so wear all the raggedy underwear you want.”

“Actually, as one of my ‘pay it forward’ goals, I do want to air condition the whole neighborhood.”

Whoa. Too much too fast. Getting back to the daughters and their cosmetics, I just hope the youngsters don’t get carried away with the maternal advice they’re receiving.

“Happy Mother’s Day. I got you a new apron. I think you’ll appreciate its simplicity – once you get the cotton out of the bolls and smash up the mollusks for the dye and…”

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”