Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

Cheaters never prosper.

But people who expose cheaters make out like bandits.

According to USA Today, “loyalty tests” are blowing up online.

That’s because an alarming number of Americans suffer anxiety over the possible unfaithfulness of their boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, spouse, inflatable partner (“That doesn’t smell like the air from MY pump!”)…

Civic-minded TikTok users are coming to the rescue. (I say “civic-minded” because they are laser-focused on earning enough to ditch their Honda for a Porsche.)

For a fee, they offer to test/entrap the suspected cheater by flirting with them either online or in person. The temptation may involve salacious comments, skimpy clothing or hints of having a dozen eggs stashed away.

There are even thriving businesses such as Loyalty-Test that act as hubs for testers. I love free enterprise, but I despair that we live in such cynical times. Back in the old days, you could have a romantic partner who phoned in “sick” to skip work for a rendezvous, climbed down from their second-floor bedroom and brandished multiple fake IDs – and rest assured they were paragons of honesty with whom you could grow old together.

The base fee for these interventions can be reasonable, but some testers feel compelled to request hazardous duty pay if your partner is both fickle and needy. (“For our second clandestine meeting, can we go to my grandma’s house for Thanksgiving? You’ll have to take a crash course on speaking Klingon to talk to my family. Speaking of ‘crash,’ can you maybe pay my bill down at the garage?”)

I feel for the people who think a loyalty test is necessary, but I’ve never known such insecurities myself. My wife and I have been each other’s rock for nearly 34 years. Even before we met, if a girl dumped me, it was never a case of competition from another guy, just a mismatched set of life goals. (“You want us to gaze into each other’s eyes, but I’d just as soon watch paint dry.”)

You have to respect the partners who justify the tests with a philosophy of “Better safe than sorry. Look before you leap. You can never be too sure. Trust but verify.” Although, maybe if they didn’t live in Cliche Land their lover wouldn’t be looking for greener pastures!! (“And, oh yeah, you can lead a horse to water but…keep your eyes peeled in case your partner is playing tonsil hockey with that skank back at the stable.”)

Ultimately, neither suspicion-generated manipulations nor rose-colored glasses serve couples well. Take chances on getting to know each other over time.

Besides, life really isn’t life without an occasional heartbreak. As Sir Isaac Newton observed in one of his laws, “Everybody plays the fool sometime. There’s no exception to the rule. Listen, baby.” (Or maybe that was the R&B group The Main Ingredient. You can tell I’ve had a few too many apples fall on my noggin.)

Loyalty-Test told USA Today that 20 percent of the attempted seductions end with the target failing outright. Even allowing for some indecisive reactions, it sounds like a majority of the subjects loyally return to their Significant Other. With the added bonus of an artificially inflated ego!

(“Listen, woman…some foxes would love for me to leave the toilet seat up. And so would their 10 million followers on…oh, crud! *Sigh* Have you seen my air pump? ”)

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”