Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

Surely I’m not alone in the phenomenon of dutifully paying my credit card bill by the deadline and then, two weeks into the next billing period, abruptly freaking out with self-doubt. Did I pay it or not?

According to a Talker Research survey of 2,000 Americans across all generations, people on average spend two hours and 18 minutes each day wrestling with worrisome thoughts.

Undoubtedly, these thoughts include concerns such as “Will I be able to pay the rent?,” “Can I convince my ex to agree to joint custody?,” “Can I ever finish my ‘to-do’ list?” and “Should I have the doctor look at this irregularly shaped mole — or go with my original plan and have the exterminator get it out of the yard instead?”

These nagging doubts can impair sleep, hamper productivity and make you as jittery as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. (*Whew* I was worried that I would miss out on that Cracker Barrel product placement opportunity.)

Let’s face it: responding positively to platitudes is not as easy as it used to be. (According to the United States Code Annotated, “Ah, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it” has now surpassed 99 percent of the permutations of “Yo’ momma…” in the “fighting words” category.)

For example, Louis Armstrong took some of the edge off of the Great Depression when he sang “On the Sunny Side of the Street.” But nowadays when you “grab your coat, grab your hat, leave your worries on the doorstep,” you have to agonize over whether a porch pirate will swipe your worries, bring them back and sue for damages.

And it used to be that children eventually listened to their parents’ reassurances and outgrew anxieties about monsters under the bed. Now we have twentysomethings with lingering fears that maybe they didn’t use the right pronouns for those monsters.

The Serenity Prayer used to bring solace to troubled individuals in AA and beyond. But I understand that it’s being updated to “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to…ah, it’s only Greenland! If we get buyer’s remorse, we can always put it in a national garage sale!”

Baby Boomers and Generation X survived uncertainties such as the military draft and the AIDS epidemic, but now they have profound doubts about the world their children and grandchildren will inherit, and whether those heirs will enjoy the same opportunities as in halcyon days of yore. I understand that an anonymous benefactor has sprung for every town to have (a) a ginormous garden hose for drinking and (b) enough unfiltered Marlboros for “smokin’ in the unisex bathroom.”

On a more positive note, the survey indicates one in 10 young Americans have taken a proactive approach to mental health by cramming all their worry into one dedicated time slot per day. I say that it’s a positive development, but I’m not sure I want to encounter any of these individuals during their hyper-carefree periods. (“I’m having to use the sun roof because I am 10 feet tall and bullet-proof! Yee-haa! Ramming speed!”)

*Ahh* Another column finished and another check dutifully mailed to Visa. Hold on! The check is still here, so what did I put in the envelope? The clothes iron? I hope I turned it off!

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”