Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

“If you could read my mind, love/What a tale my thoughts could tell.” – Gordon Lightfoot

Apparently, my late father was ahead of his time.

Dad once confided in me that he believed in the concept of “universal knowledge” – that God gave humans a finite physical brain to keep them from knowing EVERYTHING.

Now a story from Great Britain’s “Daily Mail” reveals that researchers in Canada have discovered a part of the brain that acts as a “psi inhibitor.”

This region supposedly suppresses the natural psychic, telepathic and clairvoyant abilities the scientists say are trapped in the brains of every human (except for that creep in the next cubicle who, if you read his mind, would give a perfect impression of a “white noise” machine).

Using repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS), the researchers claim they can create “reversible lesions” in the brain and unleash amazing abilities.

“Reversible lesions” is a marketing buzzword right up there with “easy payments” and “some assembly required.” But if it does catch on, look for hucksters to jump on the bandwagon and promise attributes other than mental powers.

“The proportionate strength of a spider? An atomic wedgie can give you that in a jiffy!”

All of us have experienced hunches, gut feelings, weird “coincidences” and flashes of intuition, but science is chomping at the bit to take things to the next level.

(The podcast “The Telepathy Tapes” goes even further, asserting that some autistic individuals display profound abilities such as accessing infinite knowledge and even visiting heaven! Seriously, who wants to be a guest in a place where there’s not even a medicine cabinet to snoop through? But I digress.)

If the research accelerates, anxiety levels will soar for horoscope writers, “gender reveal” party planners, poker players and executives who pride themselves on sizing you up by the strength of your handshake. (“Please, can’t you leave a barrier so I can still judge people by the cut of their jib?”)

Still, it’s not a given that further experimentation with rTMS would be a game-changer for every single human. There will always be “haves” and “have nots.” Activists will have to fight for their fair share of reversible lesions. (“Dude, in Europe they even get socialized concussions as a bonus!”)

True, not everyone will be so passionate about brain modifications. Laid-back skeptics will be unimpressed by the high-tech shenanigans. (“I don’t need to tinker with my brain. My trusty left big toe tells me all I need to know about weather patterns and suchlike. Yep, ol’ Toe-stradamus assures me my cousin should be visiting any day now…”)

Kinkier people will accept enhanced abilities, but with stipulations. (“I’m not so keen about becoming One with the universe. But if you could arrange a throuple with the universe and and an alternate dimension…”)

Don’t be surprised if astounding powers of telepathy, precognition or psychokinesis (“mind over matter”) leave you with the same old struggles. (“I changed my mind about moving that mountain, dear. It clashes with the brook. Could you please just move it back where it started?”)

*Sigh* Dad said there would be days like this. But did he speak from accumulated wisdom or from something jarred loose when toddler me whacked him on the head with an iron pipe?

I guess that’s for me to know and for you to…

Hey! Leave me a FEW secrets!

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”