Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

My wife’s sister and her husband have for years both worked third shift (a.k.a. “the graveyard shift”), and they seem to be in good company.

About 20 percent of the full-time workforce in the United States participates in some form of shift work (second shift, third shift, rotating shifts, shifting the blame, shifting to share their flatulence, whatever).

Unfortunately, as many as 40 percent of those workers suffer from Shift Work Sleep Disorder, which can manifest itself as insomnia, uneven sleep, drowsiness at inappropriate times, hypertension and severe irritability. (“I don’t care if they’re dead! Exhume Fred Rogers and Mother Teresa so I can share a few choice words with them!”)

As you’ve probably surmised, sleep disorders come about because nontraditional work hours wreak havoc on humans’ circadian rhythm. Yes, our “internal clock” and hormones expect us to be active during daylight hours and zonked out at night. If nature abhors a vacuum, it downright goes to town with a Louisville Slugger on poor jokers who just want to earn a living after midnight.

It’s not just biology. Needing to sleep in the daytime is like blood in the water attracting sharks. Neighbor Jones decides to crank up a diesel lawnmower for his AstroTurf lawn. Door-to-door salesmen come by hawking solar-powered anvils. Faulty GPS leads homecoming parades down cul-de-sacs. And so forth.

Fires, crime, medical emergencies and production quotas refuse to be boxed in by a “9 to 5” mindset, so we’ll always need late-shift workers; but I’ve endured more than my share of the schedule.

I spent the last 8 years of bachelorhood and the first six years of married life working third shift. It was fun for a year or two, but the lifestyle began to take its toll. (I would’ve dodged the toll booth, but I locked my keys in the car a heck of a lot back then.)

Sure, I would’ve coped better if I had maintained the same sleep schedule seven days a week; but I tried to live like “normal” people on the weekend, for the sake of visiting in-laws, helping with family projects and attending church. (I hope that someday I will hear, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant — for resisting the strong temptation to replace communion grape juice with an energy drink.”)

Why do people work odd shifts? Some do it because of the shift differential in pay or the flexibility of running errands. Some do it because some codger of a co-worker is hanging onto their coveted first-shift job for dear life. (“I won’t abandon my post again. The last time I did, poor Custer…I don’t want to talk about it…”)

Sometimes it’s inertia. You start out on nights “temporarily” and the years fly by without your breaking free of the habit. (“I had a string tied around my finger to remind me to apply for a day job, but that’s the finger I lost to the *yawn* skill saw, darn it.”)

And, of course, the more casual pace is a big selling point. Not so many supervisors, bean-counters and visitors underfoot. The “suits” are in their jammies. The “undercover boss” is literally wrapped snugly in his security blanket.

Whatever their motivation, say “thank you” to those dedicated night-shift workers.

“Thank you” and not “Oh, I’m glad you’re up…sort of. I wanted to ask where you buy your ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs…”

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”