Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

When I celebrate Valentine’s Day with my wife, I will be totally unapologetic if my mind wanders to my first crush.

Here’s the backstory. When I was four or five years old, a neighbor lady gave me a box of old Valentines. My favorite was adorned with a little girl who looked like a bee. (Think of a cuter version of the recurring Bees gag during the first season of “SNL.”)

“Honey, bee my Valentine,” she invited.

That mass-produced character was definitely my Main Squeeze, as I fell asleep clutching the card to my bosom.

Flash-forward to 2025. Wife Melissa pooh-poohs my theory of Fate being involved in our paths ever crossing, but I find significance in the fact that her name means… “honeybee.”

(Just as I find significance in the fact that Danny is a diminutive of Daniel, which means “God is my judge.” Especially since my once-lush hair has been weighed in the balance and found wanting.)

What about you? Will February 14 find you laser-focused on your current romantic relationship– or will your mind drift to the land of anxious note-passing, flirtations, brief flings, impulsive break-ups, ships passing in the night (laden with a cargo of mononucleosis), missed opportunities and unrequited love?

Yes, many of us had classmates, neighbors or co-workers who (despite our exuberant helpfulness, longing gazes and bashful stammering) never quite caught on to the fact that we were crazy about them.

Okay, maybe we dodged a bullet, and not just the “I like you as a friend” disclaimer. Mr. or Ms. Oblivious probably possessed too much cranial density to be a good life partner, anyway. (“Those mosquitoes keep swarming around the baby. I wonder if they want something?”)

Still, it’s okay to spend a brief moment thinking about “the one who got away” — unless the full phrase is “the one who got away, and I wish I could still sue that stupid padlock company.”

That’s right; I’m not going to excuse you if your earlier amorous adventures bordered on the stalker-ish. Of course, if that IS the case, Mr. Stephen Stills has a song just for you. (“If you can’t be with the one who Maced you and obtained a restraining order, honey, love the one you’re with.”)

It’s best to appreciate what you have and not beat yourself up over relationships that never blossomed. Don’t obsess over thoughts like “He was perfect — perfect! And if only he had paid attention to me, I could have CHANGED him…”

Perhaps you still bump into the former object of your affection, or maybe you haven’t seen them since the time of your infatuation. If the latter, it’s certainly permissible to send some positive vibes their way and hope that the years have been kind to them. (“I suddenly have a warm feeling that the years have been kind to me. Unfortunately, there’s a TARIFF on those feelings.”)

My mother saved many of my mementos (part of my first haircut, my red rubber boots, my teddy bear); but alas, that special Valentine card is long gone.

It’s just as well. I cherish having a Melissa who is her own strong-willed person instead of a Melissa who possesses a hive mentality.
A Melissa who is her own strong-willed person, yet refrains from launching stinging wisecracks when I can’t even manage a COMB-over anymore.

*Sigh* Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”