Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

In 1936 Bing Crosby entertained the nation by crooning “Pennies From Heaven,” but in 2025 it seems that pennies are The Coin From Hell.

It didn’t happen overnight, but inflation has reared its ugly head (inflation really should emphasize its six-pack abs and sculpted calves instead, but what do I know?) and it now costs the U.S. Mint a whopping 3.7 cents to manufacture and distribute each one-cent piece.

Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is giving the evil eye to this wasteful situation and shining a spotlight on countless government officials who have kicked the can down the road for decades. (“In my defense, I had ‘reconsider the penny’ on my ‘to do’ list, but the list got buried in a drawer of pennies I never got around to using.”)

The inertia is understandable. Pennies are an annoyance for many people, but they do have a long and storied history in America. Abraham Lincoln’s face didn’t adorn the coin until 1909; but the first U.S. pennies were minted in 1793, with the solemn understanding that “a well regulated Gumball Machine, being necessary to the security of a free State…”

Yes, references to pennies are woven into our cultural identity. You know, like “A penny saved is a penny earned” and “See a penny, pick it up; all the day you’ll have good luck – although TOMORROW you will probably catch tuberculosis or get run over by a horseless carriage or something.”

*Sigh* I suppose such references will become increasingly obscure. Think about Billy Joel’s line “Anthony works in the grocery store, savin’ his pennies for someday.” Future generations will quiz, “What’s a penny? What’s work? Grocery store? You mean the I Think It’s Just A Misdemeanor If You Steal the Walk-in Cooler store?”

Most Americans will roll with the punches if no more pennies are produced, but I’m confident there will be pockets of resistance.

Some diehard numismatists will fight to keep Uncle Sam cranking out pennies at a loss, citing “tradition…tradition!” (If there’s any justice, they’ll get a hernia lugging around enough pennies to buy tickets for a Broadway revival of “Fiddler on the Roof.”)

The curmudgeonly class will be apoplectic over the idea of merchants rounding up a $9.99 total to $10. Rounding down to $9.95 isn’t necessarily a viable long-term solution, because nickels also cost more to produce than their face value. (“I swear, those contractors are dime-and-quartering me to death.”)

And I know the end of pennies would be a shock to the system of people who get their jollies by tying up the checkout lane while they meticulously count out cash, but I’m sure they will adapt. (“Okay, put one cent on this credit card and one cent on this credit card and one cent on this debit card I got from my grandson. Oh, I simply must tell you about the dream the little scamp had the other night about ‘War and Peace’…”)

Many countries have already eliminated their lowest-denomination coin. I think in Russia it mysteriously fell from an upper-story window. Canada was more subtle. (“You’re looking a mite depressed, one-cent coin. Have you ever heard of a little thing called assisted discontinuation?”)

Can’t make heads or tails of the situation? Try your best to modernize your view of economic realities.

“Every time it rains, it rains soggy $20 bills from heaven…”

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Copyright 2025 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”