Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

My Facebook “Memories” remind me that my son Gideon has always been ahead of his time.

Fourteen years ago, I was reading a book of world history for his bedtime stories. I gushed about Alexander the Great becoming king and launching his conquest of the known world when he was young – only 20.

“Hmph. You mean you call that young?” was Gideon’s skeptical retort.

Fast forward to 2024. A study by Horizon Media shows 20 percent of people ages 25 to 34 already feel middle-aged.

Yes, job stress, caregiver duties, mortgage rates, inflation and societal expectations (“Hey, if you can find the time to sell your blood, you can find the time to give me five or six grandchildren”) have upended the traditional view of middle age spanning the approximate ages 40 to 62.

Wrinkles, gray or thinning hair and heretofore unknown aches and pains are showing up early – and suggesting, “Hey, that new piercing would be great for holding a Life Alert button!”

Young people can’t win for losing when it comes to employment. Either they’re overworked and juggling too many responsibilities or they’re constantly dreading an economic upheaval. Gone are the days when you could start at a company during high school, work there until you died and then be offered, “Hey, if you’d like to earn a few bucks haunting the bums who spend too much time around the water cooler…”

It used to be that when you combined a diploma with a smattering of work experience, you still felt 10 feet tall and bullet-proof. Now you’re more likely to warble, “We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild…”

Young adults of an earlier age had big dreams and ambitions to change the world and make a name for themselves. Now it’s a matter of experiencing nightmares about HR and struggling to find the motivation to change the calendar. (“Hey, Dad…fixing the toilet in the basement can wait. Can you come down and give me a sneak peek at January?”)

And the name you make for yourself is “New Guy Who Starts Wheezing When He Puts Fresh Batteries In The Laser Pointer.”

Remember when The Who sang, “I hope I die before I get old”? Now the sentiment is “I hope I get finished needing zit cream before I get old.”

On a positive note, the new reality may discourage a few young-ish punks from rushing to violence. (“I oughta kick your butt for that, man – but I left my sensible shoes back at the apartment.”)

Humans will always have a yen for alcohol, but I expect drinking games to yield to other entertainments. Instead of downing another shot every time a movie character says a certain word, twentysomething party-goers would put five bucks in a Roth IRA.

Can you imagine the impact of the new paradigm on the proverbial “mid-life crisis”? Business interns still depending on mass transit will wail, “I’ve got to have a red convertible subway! Let the top down on this thing! And I want a curvy blonde with great big…excuses for not going out after sundown.”

I hope Gideon’s health and attitude can escape the looming “premature middle-age” trap.

I’d like to wait at least a couple of decades before hearing, “You know, Alexander would’ve been even greater if he had sprung for orthopedic seats on his riding mower…”

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”