Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

As a Baby Boomer, I looked on with bemusement; but December 10, 1974 was a cultural milestone for the oldest members of Generation X.

That’s when ABC premiered the Rankin/Bass Productions animated Christmas special “The Year Without A Santa Claus” (a.k.a. “Scary Title, Kids, But Tell Mom and Dad That Hasbro and Mattel Are Still Here for You Even in a Worst-Case Scenario”).

Showcasing the voice talent of Shirley Booth and Mickey Rooney (“Hey, kids, let’s put on a show – one without that nerve-wracking ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ music”), the program has been a perennial favorite of children, parents, grandparents and folks just living in hope of a cartoon titled “The Year Without A Single ‘If the 2048 election was being held today, who would you vote for?’ Poll.”

As with all the classic Christmas cartoons (classic in the misty-eyed yet combative sense of “Everything was better when I was young – the music, the fashions, the cars – even our drag queen story hours were 61 minutes”), “TYWASC” was very much a product of its time.

As opposed to being a product of which time, you ask? I don’t know. Maybe the 17th century. (“Look! Elves with Satanic pointy ears are moving of their own accord, in a disturbingly jerky manner. They’re bewitched! Burn them at the stake!”)

Where was I? Oh, yes – if the beloved special was produced in 2024, there would be major changes right from the get-go. The original started with Santa Claus waking up with a cold shortly before Christmas. Nowadays, the Canadian government would recommend euthanasia first thing. Show over. “An Eternity Without A Santa Claus,” anyone?

In the original, Santa was deep in despair (because he assumed that no one believed in him anymore) and decided to skip his yearly toy-delivery duties. Mrs. Claus took it upon herself to orchestrate an outpouring of support for Santa and rescue Christmas Eve.

Such a display of initiative was fine for a half-century ago, but in 2024 the Mythical Being Formerly Known By Her Husband’s Name would have to be more kick-butt. (“We’ll shoot for delivering the toys by December 28-ish, so it doesn’t interfere with my mixed martial arts tournament. And forget dropping gifts into stockings. I’m dropping F-bombs!”)

Elf brothers Jingle and Jangle would still have a wild adventure with Vixen the reindeer and Iggy the little boy – assuming that collaborating via Zoom is your idea of a wild adventure, and assuming that reindeer are really the most qualified flying mammals and not just another DEI hire.

Of course a big part of the original was the goal of getting it to snow in Southtown for just one day. Now the big deal would be getting FEMA to show up afterwards.

In the original program, circumstances required Mother Nature to work out a compromise between her feuding offspring Heat Miser and Snow Miser. Now it would take just a few hundred billion dollars for the United Nations to get things done. Or not.

In the original show, the world’s children sent their own presents to Santa and jump-started his Christmas spirit. In 2024 they would be even more generous, although the 25 percent tariff might crimp Santa’s appreciation.

Sorry if I’m keeping you from re-watching the genuine show. Afterwards, let me know how you think you’ll like my Christmas 2048 column…

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”