Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

According to the National Retail Federation (motto: “Proudly middlemansplaining since 1911”), Americans set a Halloween spending record of $12.2 billion in 2023.

(And that didn’t even include earplugs for muffling the seasonal onslaught of “spooktacular,” “boo-tiful,” “to die for” and other undead “dad jokes” shambling in from Father’s Day.)

But, citing research from Lending Tree, “Newsweek” magazine says 59 percent of Halloween spenders plan to scale back purchases this year because of tighter budgets.

Inflation-battered neighbors are being less competitive about outdoor decorations. Not only can fancy-schmancy store-bought cobwebs be replaced with cobwebs from the average voter’s copy of the U.S. Constitution, but other macabre scenes can be simplified as well. (“You say ‘red Solo cup and coffee stirrers.’ I say ‘witch’s cauldron 2024.’ Tomato, to-mah-to.”)

Savvy shoppers are accepting ultra-generic substitutes for brand-name candy bars. Who needs Snickers or Kit Kat when you can score a deal on Stifled Chortle and Feral Kit Kat? Who needs Almond Joy when you can purchase Almond Ennui in a festive alleyway? And Payday bars are easily replaced with Dude, We’re Having A Cash Flow Problem This Week bars.

It’s not just downgrading the brands. Portion control is another option for cutting costs. Consumers searching for something even less fun than a “fun-size” candy bar have discovered a Zen approach. Meet “contentment-size” candy bars. (“What is the sound of one hand clapping over the mouth of a disgruntled trick-or-treater who didn’t have the foresight to bring his magnifying glass?”)

People living paycheck to paycheck have decided that it’s batty to fork over their hard-earned money for the tickets and transportation required for tours of haunted houses. Look for tours of haunted porta-potties to be popular in coming years. (“Your skepticism is duly noted, but it certainly smelled like something died in there.”)

BYOB is so yesterday. Hosts of themed Halloween parties now advise, “bring your own zombie apocalypse.”

Some parents are squeamish about denying their own kids the trendy Halloween costume of their choice, but there are hacks for economizing. (“We’re using solar electrodes for your Frankenstein’s Monster outfit, so you can sell electricity back to the grid. Just be sure you’re through knocking on doors by 4:00 p.m.”)

On the same note, serving as “trunk or treat” host can be subsidized as well. (“Uh, no. That’s not part of my car’s decoration. After the event, we’re making a delivery out in the boonies for a Mr. Big Tony. J’ever notice how you can play a tune with just a Hobby Lobby skull and a pair of cement overshoes?”)

Still, not everyone is cutting back. Lending Tree indicates that about half of shoppers will continue to splurge, no matter their regrets from previous overspending. (“I can’t help it. I’m bullheaded. Say, that reminds me, I need to check the anticipated arrival date of my imported, climate-controlled Minotaur costume.”)

Yes, some are ready to plunge ahead, even though it fills them with more dread than a slasher movie. (“Revenge of the Mummy? Puh-leeze. That’s nothing compared to Revenge of American Express. I’m having a Zen crisis. Just as I discover who I really am, my creditors are discovering where I really am.”)

Whatever your budgetary decisions, I hope you get everything you want for Halloween.

Just remember, ladies, that it starts with the manufacturer and then the wholesaler and then the..

Hey, put down that dagger…

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”