Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

“Telling Our Stories.”

That’s the 2024 theme of National Newspaper Week (October 6-12).

Newspaper employees are being encouraged to share with the readers exactly why they chose the newspaper business as a profession.

Most of the origin stories are heartwarming and noble, although a few are undeniably embarrassing. (“Um, I heard somewhere that the Tribune and the Intelligencer have a Joint Operating Agreement, and I thought I might be useful, you know, operating the joints, dude. Imagine my disappointment when…”)

Many newspaper staffers caught the “bug” as youngsters, whether running a delivery route or reading the comics in Dad’s lap. It’s just in their blood (which, sadly,doesn’t make the blood worth a darned bit more if they have to sell it when corporate cutbacks loom).

Some people go into journalism to make their momma proud by carrying on her traditions. Momma had to remind them a million times to wear their galoshes, and now they have to remind the citizenry a million times who their %$#@ congressman is.

Other people go into the newspaper field to honor their high school English teacher or – more likely – to perpetuate a competition with their rivals. (“Ha! Maybe you married the homecoming queen and launched a multinational biofuel company, but guess who gets a sneak peek at ‘Hints From Heloise’? Double ha!”)

Some newspaper staffers seek immortality through a perfectly framed touchdown photo or an incendiary editorial. Although, when a deadline is abruptly moved forward or the newsroom is disabled by ransomware, these intrepid souls might be willing to swap for the sort of immortality that involves rolling a boulder up a hill or getting your liver pecked at by an eagle.

Some people like “speaking truth to power” and fancy themselves the next great investigative reporter. But they still have to pay their dues. (“So you know where all the bodies are buried? Great! You can do your 5-year probationary period writing obituaries.”)

Some newspaper folks are simply gluttons for punishment. They had demanding parents, finicky siblings or controlling exes – and now they’re going from the frying pan into the fire. (“I had this dream last night. The Associated Press Stylebook and Auto-Correct had a baby, and it was hunting me with a humongous pair of ribbon-cutting shears!”)

Journalism gives introverted people a motivation to make new friends when covering events or personalities. Hopefully, these new friends can protect them from new-found enemies. (“Who’s the chowderhead proofreader who doesn’t know I put a semicolon instead of a period after my middle initial? I’m suing you all the way back to the Gutenberg era…”)

Some staffers relish the balancing act of celebrating their community’s growth and progress while keeping alive time-honored traditions. (“Former opponents of the 2021 zoning variance are singing a new tune. The new $100 million AI facility can – in a matter of seconds – reroute rush hour traffic, schedule ESL instructors, compile a list of villagers who need to be burned at the stake for witchcraft…”)

Me? I have a day job outside the journalism field, but I subject y’all to these weekly musings because sometimes the voices in a person’s head just demand to be committed to ink and paper.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

(“Dude…did you hear that? Maybe there’s still hope for the Tribune and Intelligencer. Plus, I heard something about a SCOOP…”)

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”