Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

For decades, my mother (who was a veterinarian’s assistant during my childhood) gloated about her visit to my third-grade classroom.

The dignified Mrs. Shelton accidentally transposed some numbers and Mom quickly corrected her for stating the normal human body temperature is 96-point-8.

(With the proliferation of true-crime podcasts, it seems today the normal human body temperature is “room.” But I digress.)

And I fondly remember wandering through corn mazes with my son’s elementary school class. But not every parent craves being the center of attention for her children’s classmates and instructors.

Take for instance the Knoxville, Tennessee mother of four who has become a TikTok celebrity by proudly labeling herself a “Venmo mom,” i.e. a loving parent who is more than willing to donate money for school causes but resists getting saddled with decorating, chaperoning, coaching, emceeing, vacuuming up the remains of young scholars who spontaneously combust when separated from their cellphone “for an eternity” and so forth.

(Don’t dwell too much on the irony of a mother here in The Volunteer State not, well, volunteering. I’m sure there are mothers in the Show-Me State who are quick to say, “I’m busy with my fireman calendar. Save that permission slip for your father to look at.”)

Many parents on social media have lauded the Knoxville mother as a kindred spirit. Introversion, lack of organizational skills and obligations of multiple jobs are some of the reasons parents are hesitant to whoop, “Pick me! Pick me!” for field trips, fall festivals, parades, and other fun events that today’s youngsters will someday cherish in their memoirs – if they ever freakin’ learn to read and write.

But other parents are swift to take a mature “Suck it up and do it MY way, buttercup” stance. (“Someday you’ll thank me for this advice. And if you don’t, well, I’m rubber and you’re glue…”)

Oh, they’ll pretend to support diversity of aptitude and personality, but it doesn’t always ring true. (“We all contribute. You be you, just as long as YOU hang the streamers, manage the cookie sale cash box, sew uniforms for the rock-paper-scissors tournament, tote that barge, lift that bale, sip a little wine and land in jail…”)

These scolds offer up themselves as a cautionary tale. (“I never joined the PTO or served as room mom. And then Johnny died in Iraq. Whenever I run into one of his old school friends, I cry bitter tears that I never seized the opportunity to catch head-lice from them!”)

I hope there will always be a healthy mixture of hands-on school boosters and generous sidelines supporters.

Some school administrators have taken it for granted that there will always be ample parents who can be guilted into performing tasks either tedious, stressful or humiliating. Sure, students may be helpfully categorized as “does/doesn’t play well with others”; but parents are denied that courtesy. (“Okay, throw Lisa LGBTQ+ and Harry Homophobe together. We’ve got concessions to sell, people! Wow. Did not know a hot funnel cake would fit there.”)

Now administrators are concerned that followers of “Venmo Mom” might even get the bright idea of unionizing. Of course, there are obvious obstacles.

(“Union? Count me in! Remember: I’m not comfortable putting up campaign signs or collecting signatures or writing by-laws. But knock yourself out buying supplies with my Visa. Maxed out? Who’s up for a true-crime fund-raising spree?”)

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”