Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

Somewhere over the years, karma gave me the finger.

It all started with an incident in Mrs. Jones’s high school English class. Classmate Tracy Holder was unconsciously performing multiple animated hand gestures as he delivered an emphatic observation. Unnoticed, I smugly imitated his gesticulations.

(That was not my finest hour. The late Tracy was a cool guy, and I would definitely not give my immature younger self an “o-tay” signal for such tomfoolery.)

By the time I was producing an exaggerated version of a basketball referee’s “traveling” signal, Tracy caught on and shot me a death glare.

It didn’t dawn on me for a long time, but some combination of college Speech & Theater courses, years of teaching Bible class, life’s inevitable ironic twists and turns and the Curse of Tracy turned ME into one of those “hand talker” people.

Certain nationalities and ethnic groups (such as Italian-Americans) are stereotyped as relying on body language to enhance the spoken word, but I assure you that the trait can befall people of any ancestry. Yes, my “air bagpipes” are just as efficient as “air violin” for mocking a tale of woe – although I do shudder at the thought of a cooked sheep’s stomach being thrown at me in retribution.

I shouldn’t complain about the unanticipated evolution of my speaking skills. Research shows that people who communicate through active gesturing (including classics such as “the forehead smack,” “the pinch of salt” and “rip off the Band-Aid”) tend to be evaluated as warm, agreeable and energetic.

(Research also shows that if you give researchers enough funding, they will likewise declare that people surrounded by a chalk outline also tend to be evaluated as warm, agreeable and energetic. But I digress.)

Speakers who enhance their message with appropriate hand gestures are regarded as leaders. Even if you expand into wretched excess of gestures, you’re still regarded as a leader. (“Dude, we trust you to go first to jump off the bridge, cross the minefield and ask the boss for a 50-percent raise. We’ve got your back. And, no, I’m not making that busting-my-guts-with-laughter gesture behind your back.”)

“Hand talking” was much less expensive back in the Good Old Days. Young people should honor hand gestures as the forerunner of emojis; but they’re so hooked on technology, it’s traumatizing for them to illustrate the traditional “one that got away” fish story. (“It was this long…I mean, it was this long…I’m gonna have to buy a cellphone for each hand in order to describe that freakin’ trout!”)

A study analyzing TED Talks found that the most popular, viral speakers used nearly twice as many gestures as the least popular speakers utilized. I must admit that I now find my patience severely tried by lecturers, experts and casual acquaintances whose body language is so reserved, prim and unadventurous. C’mon, at least pantomime removing the stick that is so firmly wedged in…well, never mind.

Public speakers realize that success has its drawbacks, if dramatic emphasis gives way to clueless flailing. (“More deals closed than anyone else in the state. More awards won than anyone else in the region. More eyes poked than the entire Moe Howard Fan Club…”)

I’m just getting started, but I can tell by the music my editor is cranking up. He thinks I’ve exhausted the subject.

“You and that hand jive have got to go.”

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”