Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

What an amazing coincidence!

Two days after Apple released its much-ballyhooed Vision Pro contraption, Joni Mitchell gave her first Grammy Awards performance.

It’s a coincidence because someday hordes of Vision Pro devotees will doubtless be warbling, “I’ve looked at life from no sides now/Tripped over something, might be a cow…”

Surely you’ve heard of Vision Pro. Apple insists on calling it a “spatial computer,” but reviewers tend to describe it as something like “a mixed reality headset that displays either augmented reality content overlaid on the physical world around you, or immersive entirely virtual reality content.” Either way, distraction and hijinks ensue.

I cringe when my mother continually bellyaches about people being absorbed in their tablets or smartphones instead of chatting with strangers, but this portends to be like gadget obsession on steroids.

Sales are booming. The poor schmucks who formerly could plunge to their death only while shooting a selfie now have whole new high-tech ways to ask for trouble, as they climb stairs, cross busy streets and operate motor vehicles. (“Honest, officer – I only had a couple of megapixels.”)

Apple is promoting the device with the slogan “Be in the moment,” which is short for “Be in the moment, not in that ditch or that open manhole or that ice sculpture … in the moment!”

A TV commercial announcer speed-reading the side effects of a new shingles drug would have a hard time reciting all the warnings Apple lists for when/where/how to use Vision Pro. (“If your contact with the asphalt lasts for more than four hours, consult a coroner.”)

I’m starting to think the only appropriate place is in the storm shelter of an FBI safe house while wearing a chastity belt and sitting under the Cone of Silence.

I worry about theft, impaired face-to-face relations and split-second decisions necessitated by Vision Pro owners, lost in their own little world, gyrating in public. (“Envy him or perform the Heimlich maneuver??? Think quick!”)

“Be the first in your neighborhood!” adopters of Vision Pro are learning to tune out static from social media trolls, but how do you keep your dignity when even your pets are patronizing you? (“Awwww…he’s so cute, like he’s chasing a laser pointer.”)

The hipsters who see the potential of Vision Pro are quick to point out, “They used to laugh at AirPods, too.” Or, more accurately, “They used to laugh at AirPods, too!! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, they used to laugh at AirPods, too!!!!!!!!!!!”)

Sure, I can appreciate the value of Vision Pro for meditation. Users can ponder eternal questions, such as “What is the sound of one girlfriend storming out after I spent $3499 on a toy and 10 bucks on her Valentine candy?”

I’m still “once burned, twice shy” after ordering the infamous X-Ray Specs from an old comic book, but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt to those who truly feel they need a Vision Pro (provided they don’t use it to order Joy Buzzers or Adorable Sea Monkeys).

I’m sure Vision Pro will provide good, clean fun or enhanced productivity for those who can handle it, but I’m afraid a lot of people will let their coping skills atrophy.

(“We’ll solve this problem, darlin’. This ain’t my first rodeo. No, wait. It IS my first rodeo. All those other rodeos were virtual rodeos. We are up the creek!”)

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”