Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

“Have you seen everything you want to see?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Me too. Let’s go back home.”

That’s a paraphrased version of my parents’ conversation midway through their honeymoon in 1958. Unimpressed by the hype of an out-of-state adventure, they chose to hightail it back to the real world.

(The real worlds of 1958 and 2023 are strikingly different. Today’s “reality” is that your new father-in-law offers to chest-feed any future babies. And pull a bitcoin from their ear.)

How many of the people who giddily tied the knot in June have already settled for the humdrum?

Folks who were all lovey-dovey during the courtship phase are suddenly growling, “You could write wedding vows in the form of an Elizabethan sonnet, but you can’t write ‘milk’ on the shopping list?”

The partner who was with them on Cloud 9 is suddenly, sadistically emitting thunderous noises.

People who were on their best behavior are now letting it all hang out. (“You did a good job of faking things. Well, I’ve been faking having a work ethic!”)

A few ultra-realistic couples may have scrubbed “Just Married” off their car and replaced it with “Just Waiting for the Sweet Embrace of Death.”

Like Johnny and June Carter Cash, many of these people got married in a fever. It’s only once the hoopla dies down that they realize, “Your lousy health insurance policy treats fever as a preexisting condition!”

Most couples grudgingly admit that the honeymoon is over once they’ve returned to work and the million-and-one responsibilities of daily living rear their ugly heads. (“There’s one rearing its ugly head now. No, wait – that’s just your great-aunt Agatha.”)

Communication is a big problem for many newlywed couples, although some do remarkably well reading smoke signals. (“Hey! You’ve got the credit cards smoking!”)

Some people experience a smooth transition from romantic love to mature love, but others are blindsided because they were so busy Being in Love with Being in Love. They never got around to discussing whether to have children, which family to spend the holidays with, which relatives to co-sign a loan for, the division of chores, etcetera. (“Hey, I never noticed you have a conjoined twin with a swastika birthmark on their forehead…”)

I encountered an online article listing ways to keep the romance alive in a marriage. One pearl of wisdom was “Spend at least 10 minutes a day facing one another with concentrated eye contact.” There’s quite a bit of incentive there, because the first one to blink has to fill out all the “thank you” cards for wedding gifts!

Even newlyweds who cohabitated for years before finally making it official know that the status quo will change, however subtly. They know that their delightful eccentricities and quirks will become fodder for Dear Abby. You can recognize these men and women at social events because they’re the one who always introduces themselves with greetings such as “Hi! I’m Frank (not his real name).”

But you’ll occasionally meet seniors who have been wed to their soulmate for 50 or 75 years and swear they’re still in their honeymoon phase. I never know how seriously to take these sweethearts.

“We HAVE to stick together, because we’ve been holding Elvis, Bigfoot, Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa hostage in the basement. Did you say you’re a Tyree? Ah, the Tyrees – the ones who got away…”

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Copyright 2023 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”