Is this what Memorial Day means to you?

by Danny Tyree on May 18, 2022

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Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

So I can spend more time with my family, I am turning this week’s column over to a bright fourth-grade student from an unnamed American small town.

–

Hi. My name is Liam. My history teacher, Mr. Burkhalter, assigned us to write a 500-word essay about lack of public appreciation for the significance of Memorial Day.

My grandpa suggested titling the essay “They’ve fallen, and our enthusiasm can’t get up.” Grandpa says a lot of things that make us check his pill box.

Mr. Burkhalter, whom you may recall I already mentioned two paragraphs ago, drives a long, long, long way to instruct us kids, including Jenny and Claire and Eliot and Noah (how am I doing with the word count?), so I paid close attention when he said that Memorial Day is a day to honor those Armed Forces members who made the ultimate sacrifice.

After he explained that these brave men and women died so the rest of us could enjoy our freedoms, I decided that “ultimate sacrifice” is indeed an appropriate term. But I just want to state for the record that sharing a room with my little brother must rank as the next to ultimate sacrifice. Sure, the Kaiser used chemical warfare, but he never tossed Petey’s dirty socks into the trenches. Google it.

It’s hard to imagine the hardships our heroes endured, often short of food, short of medical supplies, short of pronouns…

The beginning of the observance that evolved into Memorial Day took place way back in 1868. Gen. John A. Logan probably had lots of time to organize such solemn ceremonies because I understand that the video games back then were totally lame. Don’t get me started on the Pony Amazon riders.

Even though many people treat Memorial Day as just another three-day weekend (Indy 500! Action movies! Trip to the beach!), it has become part of the American fabric. (Speaking of fabric, they are having a big Memorial Day sale at Clem’s Clothing Castle. Sing a verse of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree” – whatever that is — and get 10 percent off your order.)

Grown-ups often refer to Memorial Day as “the unofficial start of summer.” You would think that summer would be grateful that humans granted it an unofficial start, but it is usually a case of “I got your mosquitoes and heat right here, pal.”

Memorial Day has become a lot like fun-focused Independence Day, except without the fireworks (unless Mom catches Dad showing off his “Kiss the Cook” apron a little too suggestively with Ms. Houlihan down the street).

Do you know what would be a neat way to celebrate Memorial Day? You know all those books about the cities you must visit before you die and the foods you must eat before you die and the movies you must watch before you die? Maybe one of my classmates will write “The 100 Warmongering Politicians You Must Get Rid of Before You Die.”

I appreciate our hard-won opportunities. If not for fallen patriots, I might be speaking a foreign language, with phrases like “three channels” and “play outdoors” and “here’s the change from your fill-up.”

–

Thanks, Liam. I hope you’ve inspired everyone to observe a moment of silence at 3:00 p.m. on May 30.

I can almost smell the bombs bursting in air…No! Wait! It’s Petey’s socks!!!

–

Copyright 2022 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”

Danny Tyree

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock."

Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers.

Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998.

Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon.

Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps.

Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper.

Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998.

Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana.

Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

Bringing the formerly self-syndicated "Tyree's Tyrades" to Cagle Cartoons is part of Tyree's mid-life crisis master plan. Look for things to get even crazier if you use his columns.