Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be brainless

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Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

Millions of young women dream of being honored on Mother’s Day.

Millions of others know in their hearts that they don’t want to have children, or at least not on someone else’s timetable.

Many in both groups run the risk of someday facing an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy.

Society assures us these women always had only three choices: get an abortion, endure 18 years of servitude or go through an emotionally wrenching adoption.

There is another option for these women (and their “lovers”): be proactive and consider displaying a little common sense upfront.

Rape, incest and those doggone substandard condoms are the usual scapegoats when an unintentional pregnancy develops, but those statistics are vastly overrated.

Let’s be honest: we see hundreds of thousands of “surprise” pregnancies year after year after year because (a) people are “dating” under the influence of alcohol, drugs or intense peer pressure, (b) women shack up with lowlife bums who molest their daughters and (c) couples take stupid, stupid shortcuts.

There. I said it.

Singers, movies, television, Madison Avenue, social media, teen magazines, college “sex weeks” and politicians are constantly telling impressionable, procreation-capable individuals that impetuous choices have no real consequences. (“Hey, let’s cross ‘Boys will be boys’ with ‘Girls just wanna have fun.’ What could possibly go wrong?”)

We recognize “buzzed driving” as drunk driving; but bedhopping while bombed? “Go ahead, You Only Live Once. But be responsible. (Wink wink)”

Some feminist leaders treat self-control and delayed gratification like The Solution That Must Not Be Named. They want women to be empowered, but how much power do you wield when José Cuervo is calling the shots?

There is great power in providing the egg or sperm that could become a human being. But with great power comes great responsibility.

If Hollywood, hormones and fair-weather friends are all urging you to do the same thing, there’s a 99 percent probability that it’s a bad idea.

I can’t think of a single civilization that wound up on “the right side of history” by promoting unbridled hedonism. Can you? The Sexual Revolution has produced immeasurably more bitter regrets, bad karma and carnage than the French Revolution.

No one has ever died of spontaneous combustion simply because they decided not to be alone with a member of the opposite sex while stoned, depressed or on the rebound.

This column is not an attempt to shame anyone for misjudgments they have already made. It is not a critique of the pros and cons of recent abortion laws. It is not a declaration that we can/should become a nation of celibate monks and teetotalers.

It IS a fervent prayer that at least one person will have the guts to block impaired judgment and sex from being allowed in the same ZIP Code.

Whether you are an influencer only under your own roof or your reach extends to the media, public office or service organizations, please think about what I’ve written.

Every child deserves to be loved and wanted, but we’ll never achieve that if parents and civic leaders continue living vicariously through intoxicated daredevils in heat.

We can’t keep treating the symptoms of risky behavior without addressing the causes.

We all want our children to grow up and get good jobs, but we need to put less emphasis on the vocation and more on the growing up part.

Copyright 2022 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock."

Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers.

Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998.

Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon.

Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps.

Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper.

Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998.

Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana.

Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

Bringing the formerly self-syndicated "Tyree's Tyrades" to Cagle Cartoons is part of Tyree's mid-life crisis master plan. Look for things to get even crazier if you use his columns.