Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

Prospects of a long, hot summer bring pet peeves to the surface.

Surely someone besides me encounters deceptive packages of frozen microwaveable meat. “Tear here,” they cajole. So, you tear on the dotted line, only to discover that it’s an inch BELOW the grooves required to reseal the package. Are the designers at the meatpacking plant cross-eyed, or just bad with math? Instead of calculating how many insect parts per MILLION are allowable, they’re probably singing a Mary Poppins-ish, “A spoonful of thoraxes makes the sausage patties go down…”

Yes, “resealable” is an asterisk-worthy marketing blurb. Packages ought to say, “Resealable – UNLESS you get a bunch of breading in the grooves and have less than 15 minutes to vacuum them out. Under those circumstances, we recommend resealing with the carpet staplers manufactured by one of our subsidiaries.”

Technology will lie to you, too. When I have completed a data transfer in the nick of time, I want to disconnect from my laptop, take my thumb drive or USB cable and hit the road. I don’t need to be scolded. (“Try again later. The device is currently in use.”) Unless there’s an ill-timed virus scan going on, what kind of “use” is the device invariably undergoing? Have HP and Windows 10 conspired to rent out rooms in my backup drive to tourists from Switzerland? (“We’re paid up. We have Army knives and we know how to use them!”)

Do you ever greet an opportunity with “At least it’s an excuse to get out of the house”? Who is it you’re forced to give excuses to? Is the mantel going to get all weepy? Will the laundry room cut you out of its will? Come on, grow a backbone – unless the hall closet has something against vertebrates.

Why do we reserve the term “anatomically correct” as a euphemism for dolls/mannequins that have some semblance of reproductive organs? Are naughty bits the only qualifiers for inanimate objects looking like real people? What is realistic about figures with no ear hairs, slumped shoulders or irregularly shaped moles? Show a woman a doll with two perfectly matching breasts and announce, “This is anatomically correct!” Then AFTER you awake from having a bra tightened around your throat…

Do you have friends or co-workers who take credit for “process of elimination” advice? For instance, neither one of you can figure out whether the green button or the blue button activates a machine, so you venture an attempt with the green button. Nothing. “Maybe you should try the blue button,” they chime in, expecting a marching band parade when they get it right. Never give these people the satisfaction. (“Well, you might be right about THAT being the emergency ‘off’ switch, but I was saying just the other day that I NEED something to remind me not to wear a long necktie around the garbage disposal…Ow! Ow!”)

What is the deal with people who use a single-occupant public restroom while leaving the door unlocked? Are they exhibitionists? Claustrophobes? Or are they just absent-minded professors formulating a new Theory of Relativity? (“In summary, the energy I use to release this mass at the speed of smell…”)

Summertime: food for picnics and food for thought.

Hey, how come they can’t match up packages of hot dogs and packages of buns, but they have just the right number of thoraxes…?

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Copyright 2021 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”